Saturday, January 01, 2005




Something Went Wrong
in Jet Crash, Expert Says

[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris
around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over

[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work
after Death
[those good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to
Try Shooting Defendant

[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope
for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures

[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple
Slain; Police
Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds
Up New Bridges

[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning
Faces Battery Charge

[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity
Looks for Larger
Test Group

[weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make
Nutritious Snacks

[Taste like chicken!]

Chef Throws His Heart
into Helping Feed Needy

[That was really giving of himself!]

Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half

[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued
by 7 Foot Doctors

[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery: Hundreds Dead

[nuff said!]

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath

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