Friday, December 24, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Observations on Growing Older
~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them
...but your grandchildren are perfect!
~Going out is good.
Coming home is better!
~When people say you look "Great"...
they add "for your age!"
~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything...
movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
~You forget names ... but it's OK
because other people forgot
they even knew you!!!
~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
is now 15 and you have a better chance
of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
~You realize you're never going
to be really good at anything .... especially golf.
~Your spouse is counting on you
to remember things you don't remember.
~The things you used to care to do,
you no longer care to do,
but you really do care that you
don't care to do them anymore.
~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair
with the TV blaring than he does in bed.
It's called his "pre-sleep".
~Remember when your mother said,
"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
~You used to say,
"I hope my kids GET married...
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
~You miss the days when everything worked
with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ...
were unheard of, and a mouse was something
that made you climb on a table.
~You used to use more 4 letter words ...
~Now that you can afford
expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
~Your husband has a night out with the guys,
but he's home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~Now that your husband has retired ...
you'd give anything if he'd find a job!
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ...
2 of which you will never wear.
~~~~But old is good in some things:
And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Man, O Man!
When without money, keep pigs;
When have money, keep dogs.
When without money, eat at home with wife;
When have money, dine in fine restaurant.
When without money, ride bicycle;
When have money, ride exercise machine.
When without money, wish to get married;
When have money, wish to get divorced.
When without money, wife becomes secretary;
When have money, secretary becomes wife.
When without money, act like rich man;
When with money, act like poor man.
Man, O Man, never tells the truth:
Says sharemarket is bad but keeps speculating;
Says money is evil but keeps accumulating.
Says women are trouble-makers but keeps desiring them;
Says high positions are lonely but keeps wanting them.
Says smoking & drinking is bad but keeps partaking;
Says heaven is good but refused to go.
In the past, woman gives man their virginity;
Now, woman gives man their newborn.
In the rural area, chicken calls man awake;
In the cities, man calls for chickens.
In the past, famous actresses will not sell their bodies;
Now, actresses will sell their bodies to get famous
What is life about?
1 At one, YOU are the top priority
10 At ten, academic excellence is the top priority
20 At twenty, getting laid is the top priority
30 At thirty, a good career is top priority
40 At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority
50 At fifty, beating others at mahjong is top priority
60 At sixty, keeping IT up is top priority
70 At seventy, remembering something is top priority
80 At eighty, moving around is top priority
90 At ninety, knowing directions is top priority
100 At 100, having your portrait on the wall is top priority!
Wishing you all happiness! Be good!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so
that you can die Rich.
A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Future tense of Marriage.
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of
the students without passing through 'the minds of either'
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
A place where success comes before work.
A place where everybody talks
nobody listens and everybody
disagrees later on.
A banker provided by nature.
A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Books, which people praise, but do not read.
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
An itching sensation of the heart that cannot be scratched!
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be
The name men give to their mistakes.
An invention to end all inventions.
A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise
Thursday, May 06, 2010
Mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. That evening, mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed.
All dad did was reach for his biscuit, smiled at mom and asked me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and ate every bite.
When I got up from the table, I remember hearing mom apologize to dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: Honey, I love burned biscuits.
Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides - a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!"
You know, life is full of imperfect things.....and imperfect people. I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else.
What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each others' faults - and choosing to celebrate each others differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.
Because in the end, you are the master of your own life, to be happy or unhappy, to be positive or negative.
We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship , be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship.
Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket - keep it in your own.
So please pass me a biscuit, and yes, the burnt one will do just fine ...
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
A good message indeed....!
My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.
'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'
It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mum did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!
Mum, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as 'C.S.D.'
Mum's Reply and Thoughts
Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.
I've called and checked with C.S.D .
Who said they didn't care.
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of Nike Airs.
I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best.'
I said 'No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own flaming lunch.
Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.'
He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?'
'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. Requires
Just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D..?'
Send to all people that have teenagers
or have already raised teenagers,
Or have children who will soon be teenagers
or those who will be parents someday
OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH.
I love this One!!!
From a MoM(Mean Old Mother.)
After all, mother knows BEST!
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man
speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the
man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when
try to decide which one.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something
you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a
good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a
considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Monday, February 08, 2010
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place
to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing
machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about
to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with
'A man once told me....'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and
your wife is yelling at the front door,
who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that
diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men
they can walk down the street with a bald head
And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy..
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh
To the select few women who can handle it!