Classic Definitions & Cool Meanings
1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage
5. Lecture : Art of transferring info from lecturer to students without passing through "the minds of either".
6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..
9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
17. Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
19. Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
26. Father : A banker provided by nature.
27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
31. IT consultant : One who gets paid for reading such mails......
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Friday, February 25, 2005
At Tapah, Perak.
Happy meeting up recently with our Tapah 'Nanny'
who took good care of us when we were kids!
Thursday, February 24, 2005
The Mayonnaise Jar + 2 Cups of Coffee
When things in your life seem almost too much
to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough,
remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, he wordlessly picked up
a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles
and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into
the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand
and poured it into the jar. Of course,
the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee
from under the table and poured the entire contents
into the jar effectively filling the empty space
between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things
-- God, your family, your children, your health,
your friends and your favorite passions
-- and if everything else was lost and only they
remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter
like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else
-- the small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued,
"there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life!
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff
you will never have room for the things
that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical
to your happiness.
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house
and fix the disposal.
Take care of the golf balls first
-- the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired
what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.
It just goes to show you that no matter
how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee
with a friend."
to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough,
remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, he wordlessly picked up
a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles
and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into
the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand
and poured it into the jar. Of course,
the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee
from under the table and poured the entire contents
into the jar effectively filling the empty space
between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things
-- God, your family, your children, your health,
your friends and your favorite passions
-- and if everything else was lost and only they
remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter
like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else
-- the small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued,
"there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life!
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff
you will never have room for the things
that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical
to your happiness.
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house
and fix the disposal.
Take care of the golf balls first
-- the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired
what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.
It just goes to show you that no matter
how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee
with a friend."
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE
This is what The Dalai Lama
has to say for 2005.
1. Take into account that great love and
great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R’s:
Respect for self,
Respect for other’s
and Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want
is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break
them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake,
take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open arms to change,
but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes
the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life.
Then when you get older and think back,
you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home
is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones,
deal only with the current situation.
Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge.
It’s a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year,
go some place you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one
in which your love for each other exceeds
your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had
to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
has to say for 2005.
1. Take into account that great love and
great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R’s:
Respect for self,
Respect for other’s
and Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want
is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break
them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake,
take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open arms to change,
but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes
the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life.
Then when you get older and think back,
you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home
is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones,
deal only with the current situation.
Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge.
It’s a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year,
go some place you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one
in which your love for each other exceeds
your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had
to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Sunday, February 20, 2005
BLONDE JOKES!
AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes,
it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and
asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and
then today you expect me to show it to you!"
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her
blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says,
"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you
for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." He says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD,
I left the baby on the bus again!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
"how can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river
then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a
speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see
that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "it's A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American,
and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what?
We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other
and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot!
You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid,
you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice
and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was:
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked,
"Is it on or off?"
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final
examination that consists of yes/no type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes
and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse,
removes a coin and starts tossing the coin,
marking the answer sheet:
Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done,
whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she is seen desperately
throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her
and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour,
but now I'm rechecking my answers."
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive blond female neighbor came out of the
house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back
into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again
went to the mail box and again, opened it,
slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn,
here she came again, marched to the mail box,
opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her,
"Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(are you ready? this is a beauty .)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
Saturday, February 19, 2005
PARTY JOKES
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich.
Marry me."
= That's Telemarketing
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie;
you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her,
pick up her bag after she drops it,
offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way,
I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"
= That's Public Relations
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says,
"You are very rich......"
= That's Brand Recognition
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am rich. Marry me."
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
= That's Customer Feedback
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich.
Marry me."
= That's Telemarketing
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie;
you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her,
pick up her bag after she drops it,
offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way,
I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"
= That's Public Relations
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says,
"You are very rich......"
= That's Brand Recognition
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am rich. Marry me."
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
= That's Customer Feedback
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
As I've Matured...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones
just never go away.
And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
THIS IS US !!!
People over 30 should be dead.
Here's why.
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of
us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe
the early 1970's probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based
paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles,
doors or cabinets, ...and when we rode our bikes,
we had no helmets.
(Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts
or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on
a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
Horrors!
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop
with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we
were always outside playing.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle,
and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps
and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the
brakes..
After running into the bushes a few times,
we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day,
as long as we were back when the street lights came on .
No one was able to reach us all day.
NO CELL PHONES!!!!!
Unthinkable!
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes,
no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable,
video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones,
personal computers, or Internet chat rooms .
We had friends!
We went outside and found them. We played dodge ball,
and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth,
and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
They were accidents. No one was to blame but us.
Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and
blue and learned to get over it.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate
worms, and although we were told it would happen,
we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms
live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked
on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and
talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed
a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.
Horrors!
Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was
unheard of. They actually sided with the law.
Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers,
problem solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation
and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility,
and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them!
Congratulations!
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow
up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our
lives, for our own good!!!
People under 30 are WIMPS!!!
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
(AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 15 telling them to sit down and shut up!
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 15 telling them to sit down and shut up!
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"
Chinese New Year 2005
The Lim Clan celebrated the Chinese New Year Holidays at Ipoh, Perak. Plenty of good foods and drinks! Also met up with some good old friends for the happy occasion.
Below are some photos taken during the CNY festive period.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Thursday, February 10, 2005
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