Thursday, March 31, 2005
THE INTERVIEW WITH GOD
the poem:
I dreamed I had an interview with God.
“So you would like to interview me?” God asked.
“If you have the time” I said.
God smiled. “My time is eternity.”
“What questions do you have in mind for me?”
“What surprises you most about humankind?”
God answered...
“That they get bored with childhood,
they rush to grow up, and then
long to be children again.”
“That they lose their health to make money...
and then lose their money to restore their health.”
“That by thinking anxiously about the future,
they forget the present,
such that they live in neither
the present nor the future.”
"That they live as if they will never die,
and die as though they had never lived.”
God’s hand took mine
and we were silent for a while.
And then I asked...
“As a parent, what are some of life’s lessons
you want your children to learn?”
“To learn they cannot make anyone
love them. All they can do
is let themselves be loved.”
“To learn that it is not good
to compare themselves to others.”
“To learn to forgive
by practicing forgiveness.”
“To learn that it only takes a few seconds
to open profound wounds in those they love,
and it can take many years to heal them.”
“To learn that a rich person
is not one who has the most,
but is one who needs the least.”
“To learn that there are people
who love them dearly,
but simply have not yet learned
how to express or show their feelings.”
“To learn that two people can
look at the same thing
and see it differently.”
“To learn that it is not enough that they
forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves.”
"Thank you for your time," I said humbly.
"Is there anything else
you would like your children to know?"
God smiled and said,
“Just know that I am here... always.”
-author unknown
View Presentation: http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Ipoh Chinese Courtyard House.
The Tapah Lims is planning to build a New Family Home
before the next Chinese New Year in Ipoh, Perak.
The idea to design and build the Chinese styled
courtyard house was mooted during the last festival.
The Family Home will have eight rooms to house
the eight Children (6 brothers + 2 sisters) of the Late
Mr. Lim Cheng Chye and Madam Chiang Geok Ngor
of Tapah, Perak!
before the next Chinese New Year in Ipoh, Perak.
The idea to design and build the Chinese styled
courtyard house was mooted during the last festival.
The Family Home will have eight rooms to house
the eight Children (6 brothers + 2 sisters) of the Late
Mr. Lim Cheng Chye and Madam Chiang Geok Ngor
of Tapah, Perak!
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Old Age!
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
***
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
***
A man was telling his neighbor,
"I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars,
but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
***
Morris, an 82 year-old man,
went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous
young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris
and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said,
Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that.
I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
***
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
***
"So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
***
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
***
A man was telling his neighbor,
"I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars,
but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
***
Morris, an 82 year-old man,
went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous
young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris
and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said,
Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that.
I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
***
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
***
THIS IS HILARIOUS!
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog
sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot
when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game
of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.
"They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,
"OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win,
but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room
in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,
"Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him,
he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.
So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog
sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot
when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game
of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.
"They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,
"OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win,
but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room
in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,
"Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him,
he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.
So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Population of the Earth!
If we reduce the population of the Earth to a small
town with 100 people and keep the proportions,
it will look like this:
57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 Americans(northern and southern)
8 Africans
52 women
48 men
70 coloured-skins
30 caucasians
6 people would own 59% of the whole world wealth and all of them will be from the United States of America
80 would have bad living conditions
70 will be uneducated
50 will be underfed
1 would die
2 would be born
1 will have a computer
1 (only one) will have higher education
If you look at the world from this point of view,
you will see how there is a big need of solidarity, understanding, patience and education.
Also think about the following:-
If this morning you've woke up healthy,
you are happier then 1 million people
that will not survive next week.
If you never suffered a war,
the loneliness of the jail cell,
the agony of torture, or hunger,
you are happier than 500 million people in the world.
If you can enter into a church (mosque)
without fear of jail or death, you are happier
than 3 million people in the world.
If there is food in your fridge,
you have shoes and clothes,
you have bed and a roof,
you are richer than 75% of the people in the world.
If you have a bank account, money in your wallet
and some coins in the money-box,
you belong to the 8% of the people on the world,
which are well-to-do.
If you read this you are three times more blessed because:
1. somebody just thought of you.
2. you don't belong to the 200 million people that cannot read.
3. and... you have a computer!
As somebody once said:
- work, as if you don't need money,
- love, as if nobody had ever hurt you,
- dance, as if nobody can see you,
- sing, as if nobody can hear you,
- live, as if the Earth was a heaven.
town with 100 people and keep the proportions,
it will look like this:
57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 Americans(northern and southern)
8 Africans
52 women
48 men
70 coloured-skins
30 caucasians
6 people would own 59% of the whole world wealth and all of them will be from the United States of America
80 would have bad living conditions
70 will be uneducated
50 will be underfed
1 would die
2 would be born
1 will have a computer
1 (only one) will have higher education
If you look at the world from this point of view,
you will see how there is a big need of solidarity, understanding, patience and education.
Also think about the following:-
If this morning you've woke up healthy,
you are happier then 1 million people
that will not survive next week.
If you never suffered a war,
the loneliness of the jail cell,
the agony of torture, or hunger,
you are happier than 500 million people in the world.
If you can enter into a church (mosque)
without fear of jail or death, you are happier
than 3 million people in the world.
If there is food in your fridge,
you have shoes and clothes,
you have bed and a roof,
you are richer than 75% of the people in the world.
If you have a bank account, money in your wallet
and some coins in the money-box,
you belong to the 8% of the people on the world,
which are well-to-do.
If you read this you are three times more blessed because:
1. somebody just thought of you.
2. you don't belong to the 200 million people that cannot read.
3. and... you have a computer!
As somebody once said:
- work, as if you don't need money,
- love, as if nobody had ever hurt you,
- dance, as if nobody can see you,
- sing, as if nobody can hear you,
- live, as if the Earth was a heaven.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Heathy Eating!
Just eat everything but in moderation.
Can't eat Beef.....Mad cow
Can't eat chicken......bird flu
Can't eat eggs.....Salmonella
Can't eat pork.....fears that bird flu will infect piggies
Can't eat fish.....heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat
Can't eat fruits and veggies.....insecticides and herbicides
Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!
Remember.....
"STRESSED" spelled backwards is "DESSERTS"
Can't eat Beef.....Mad cow
Can't eat chicken......bird flu
Can't eat eggs.....Salmonella
Can't eat pork.....fears that bird flu will infect piggies
Can't eat fish.....heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat
Can't eat fruits and veggies.....insecticides and herbicides
Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!
Remember.....
"STRESSED" spelled backwards is "DESSERTS"
Friday, March 25, 2005
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Some Good Advice
Sometimes we just need to remember what
the 12 Rules of Life really are:
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy,
vital relationship are "I apologize" and "you are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
(love this one!)
5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her
- believe them.
7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself,
"Will this matter one year from now?
How about one month? One week? One day?"
8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You have another chance!
10. Living well really is the best revenge.
Being miserable because of a bad or former
relationship just might mean that the other person
was right about you.
11. Work is good, but it's not that important.
Money is nice, but you can't take it with you.
Statistics show most people don't live to spend
all they saved; some die even before they retire.
Anything we have isn't really ours;
it was given to us by God;
He is just letting us borrow it while we're here...
even our kids. So enjoy it while you have it.
12. And finally... Be really good to your family
and/or friends. You never know when you are going
to need them to empty your bedpan.
Life is really so simple!
the 12 Rules of Life really are:
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy,
vital relationship are "I apologize" and "you are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
(love this one!)
5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her
- believe them.
7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself,
"Will this matter one year from now?
How about one month? One week? One day?"
8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You have another chance!
10. Living well really is the best revenge.
Being miserable because of a bad or former
relationship just might mean that the other person
was right about you.
11. Work is good, but it's not that important.
Money is nice, but you can't take it with you.
Statistics show most people don't live to spend
all they saved; some die even before they retire.
Anything we have isn't really ours;
it was given to us by God;
He is just letting us borrow it while we're here...
even our kids. So enjoy it while you have it.
12. And finally... Be really good to your family
and/or friends. You never know when you are going
to need them to empty your bedpan.
Life is really so simple!
Think Out of the Box!
Imagine this ...
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night,
it's raining heavily, when suddenly you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for a bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to,
knowing very well that there could only be one
passenger in your car?
Think before you continue...
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once
actually used as part of job application.
* You could pick up the old lady,
because she is going to die,
and thus you should save her first;
* or you could take the old friend because
he once saved your life,
and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
* However, you may never be able to find
your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants)
had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my Old friend and
let him take the lady to the hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus
with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up
our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to "Think Out of the Box."
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night,
it's raining heavily, when suddenly you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for a bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to,
knowing very well that there could only be one
passenger in your car?
Think before you continue...
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once
actually used as part of job application.
* You could pick up the old lady,
because she is going to die,
and thus you should save her first;
* or you could take the old friend because
he once saved your life,
and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
* However, you may never be able to find
your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants)
had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my Old friend and
let him take the lady to the hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus
with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up
our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to "Think Out of the Box."
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Saturday, March 19, 2005
"The Desiderata of Happiness."
Desiderata... The poem by Max Ehrmann
was written in the 1927.
GO placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
* As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant;
they too have their story.
* Avoid loud aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
* If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter, for always there
will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
* Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
* Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trikcery.
But let tis not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
* Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
* Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you
in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
* Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
* You are a child of the universe no less than
the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
* And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you you conceive Him to be.
* And whatever your labours and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
* With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
***
"Desiderata" means
"features or characteristics deemed as essential to ...";
hence one may say the desiderata of happiness may
consist of, among others, good health,
a balanced education, a professional job,
lots of money to spare after the essentials for daily living,
or even a carefree vagabond lifestyle ... to each his/her own!
was written in the 1927.
GO placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
* As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant;
they too have their story.
* Avoid loud aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
* If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter, for always there
will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
* Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
* Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trikcery.
But let tis not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
* Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
* Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you
in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
* Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
* You are a child of the universe no less than
the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
* And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you you conceive Him to be.
* And whatever your labours and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
* With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
***
"Desiderata" means
"features or characteristics deemed as essential to ...";
hence one may say the desiderata of happiness may
consist of, among others, good health,
a balanced education, a professional job,
lots of money to spare after the essentials for daily living,
or even a carefree vagabond lifestyle ... to each his/her own!
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Laws of Irony!
These are the things everyone experiences
but no one finds in Books.
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number,
you never get an engaged one.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss, you were late for work
because you had a flat tyre,
the next morning you will have a flat tyre.
Variation Law:
If you change lanes, the one you have left will start
to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bath Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water,
the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone
you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that
a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
to the reach.
Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something,
which will last until the coffee is cold.
but no one finds in Books.
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number,
you never get an engaged one.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss, you were late for work
because you had a flat tyre,
the next morning you will have a flat tyre.
Variation Law:
If you change lanes, the one you have left will start
to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bath Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water,
the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone
you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that
a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
to the reach.
Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something,
which will last until the coffee is cold.
WEDDING ANIVERSARY !!!
KK + Stella Lim
at their
40th Ruby Wedding Aniversary Celebration
in Ipoh
on 12 March 2005.
The TAPAH LIMS.
Family of EIGHT!
Seated L to R: Lim Lam Pheng, KK Lim, Lim Kooi Peng.
Standing L to R: KL Lim, KG Lim, KP Lim, KY Lim, KH Lim.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Monday, March 14, 2005
ADULTERY!
Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have.
"Wow, this girl in my office is a real looker.
I'm crazy about her because she's also understanding,
intelligent, tender - so many things that my spouse is not."
Somewhere along the way, you'll find a woman
or a man who will be more charming or sensitive.
More alluring.
More thoughtful.
Richer.
Have greater sex appeal.
And you will find a woman or man who will need you
and pursue you and go loco over you more than
your spouse ever did.
Because no wife or husband is perfect.
Because a spouse will only have 90% of what
you're looking for.
So adultery takes place when a husband or wife
looks for the missing 10%.
Let's say your wife is melancholic by nature.
You may find yourself drawn to the pretty clerk
who has a cherry laughter.
Or because your wife is a homebody in slippers
and pyjamas, smelling of garlic and fish oil,
you may fall for a fresh-smelling young sales
representative that visits your office in a sharp
black blazer, high heels, and a red pencil-cut skirt.
Or because your husband is the quiet type,
your heart may skip a beat when you meet an old
college flame who has the makings of a talk show host.
But wait!
That's only 10% of what you don't have.
Don't throw away the 90% that you already have!
Add to your spouse's 90% the 100% that represents
all the years that you have been with each other.
The storms you have weathered together.
The unforgettable moments of sadness
and joy as a couple.
The many adjustments you have made to love the other.
The wealth of memories that you've accumulated as lovers.
Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have.
But faithfulness happens when you start thanking God
for what you already have.
But I'm not just talking about marriage.
I'm talking about life!
About your jobs.
About your friends.
About your children.
About your lifestyles.
Are you like the economy airline
The main message:
If you start appreciating what you have right now,
wherever you are is FIRST CLASS!
Sunday, March 13, 2005
THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY !
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several pornn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.
Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections.
Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several pornn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.
Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections.
Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Saturday, March 12, 2005
SENIOR CITIZENS
SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
Friday, March 11, 2005
Engineer vs MBA!?
A MBA and an Engineer go on a camping trip,
set up their tent, and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his MBA friend.
" Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
The Engineer asks "What does that tell you?"
The MBA ponders for a minute:
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful
and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
The Engineer friend is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".
set up their tent, and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his MBA friend.
" Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
The Engineer asks "What does that tell you?"
The MBA ponders for a minute:
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful
and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
The Engineer friend is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
The 2005 Happiness Index
A 'happiness survey' of British workers in 30 professions puts architects at the bottom of the league,
along with social workers.
More than 1,200 employees were canvassed by qualifications regulator City & Guilds.
The top professions for people who are 'very happy'
with their jobs are hairdressers (40%)
followed by members of the clergy at No. 2 (24%).
Architects managed just 2% at No. 29.
Happiness Index:
1 Hairdressers 40%
2 Clergy 24%
3 Chefs/cooks 23%
4 Beauticians 22%
5 Plumbers 20%
6 Mechanics 20%
7 Builders 20%
8 Electricians 18%
9 Florists 18%
10 Fitness instructors 18%
11 Care assistants 18%
12 Health care professionals 17%
13 Media 16%
14 Chartered engineers 15%
15 Pharmacists 15%
16 Scientists/R&D 15%
17 Butchers 14%
18 DJs 13%
19 Interior designers 9%
20 Travel agents 9%
21 Teachers 8%
22 Bankers 8%
23 Accountants 7%
24 IT specialists 5%
25 Lawyers 5%
26 Secretaries 5%
27 Estate agents 4%
28 Civil servants 3%
29 Architects 2%
30 Social workers 2%
along with social workers.
More than 1,200 employees were canvassed by qualifications regulator City & Guilds.
The top professions for people who are 'very happy'
with their jobs are hairdressers (40%)
followed by members of the clergy at No. 2 (24%).
Architects managed just 2% at No. 29.
Happiness Index:
1 Hairdressers 40%
2 Clergy 24%
3 Chefs/cooks 23%
4 Beauticians 22%
5 Plumbers 20%
6 Mechanics 20%
7 Builders 20%
8 Electricians 18%
9 Florists 18%
10 Fitness instructors 18%
11 Care assistants 18%
12 Health care professionals 17%
13 Media 16%
14 Chartered engineers 15%
15 Pharmacists 15%
16 Scientists/R&D 15%
17 Butchers 14%
18 DJs 13%
19 Interior designers 9%
20 Travel agents 9%
21 Teachers 8%
22 Bankers 8%
23 Accountants 7%
24 IT specialists 5%
25 Lawyers 5%
26 Secretaries 5%
27 Estate agents 4%
28 Civil servants 3%
29 Architects 2%
30 Social workers 2%
Cards rejected by Hallmark!
I wrote your name on sand, it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart
And I got a heart attack .
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
God saw me hungry, He created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, He created Pepsi .
He saw me in dark, He created light .
He saw me without problems,
He created YOU.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Roses are red, violets are purple
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too
Not in cage, but laughing at you.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart
And I got a heart attack .
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
God saw me hungry, He created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, He created Pepsi .
He saw me in dark, He created light .
He saw me without problems,
He created YOU.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Roses are red, violets are purple
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too
Not in cage, but laughing at you.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Can you raed tihs?
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer
is at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef
but the wrod as a wlohe.
Fun facts
Monday, March 07, 2005
A Very Smart Kid!
A first grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble
with one of her students.
The teacher asks, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade.
My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than
she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
Ms Brooks had enough.
She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office,
the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy
a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the first grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal
thought a third grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her,
"I think Harry can go to the third grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal,
"No, no! Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of
that I have only two of?
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have
but I do not have?"
Harry: "Pockets."
The principal is breaking out in a sweat.
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do
that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms Brooks: What starts with a C and ends with a T,
is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
The principal's eyes open wide!!!
Harry: Coconut.
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink
then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Harry: Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up,
a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide
and before he could stop the answer...
Harry: Shake hands.
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some
"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me.
You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me.
You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes.
When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft.
My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: "Arrow"
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends
in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
The principal is about to faint!
Harry: Fire truck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief
and said to the teacher, "Send Harry to university,
I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
with one of her students.
The teacher asks, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade.
My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than
she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
Ms Brooks had enough.
She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office,
the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy
a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the first grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal
thought a third grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her,
"I think Harry can go to the third grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal,
"No, no! Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of
that I have only two of?
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have
but I do not have?"
Harry: "Pockets."
The principal is breaking out in a sweat.
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do
that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms Brooks: What starts with a C and ends with a T,
is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
The principal's eyes open wide!!!
Harry: Coconut.
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink
then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Harry: Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up,
a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide
and before he could stop the answer...
Harry: Shake hands.
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some
"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me.
You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me.
You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes.
When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft.
My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: "Arrow"
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends
in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
The principal is about to faint!
Harry: Fire truck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief
and said to the teacher, "Send Harry to university,
I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
Sunday, March 06, 2005
The Buffalo Theory!
The Buffalo (and Beer) Theory!
The Buffalo Theory!
.....as explained by Cliff Clavin of Cheers.
.
One afternoon at Cheers,
Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group
keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
.
In much the same way, the human brain
can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!
.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)