Thursday, April 07, 2005


A Soulful Relationship
by Rev. Ronald McFadden

If you're not married yet, share this with a friend.
If you are married, share it with your spouse
or other married couples and reflect on it.

An African proverb states,
"Before you get married, keep both eyes open,
and after you marry, close one eye."

Before you get involved and make a commitment
to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity,
ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem,
make you blind to warning signs.
Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself
that you can change someone or that what you
see as faults aren't really important.

Once you decide to commit to someone,
over time his or her flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves,
and differences will become more obvious.
If you love your mate and want the relationship to
grow and evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye
and not let every little thing bother you.
You and your mate have many different expectations,
emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses,
and strengths.

You are two unique individual children of God
who have decided to share a life together.
Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect
for each other?

Do you bring out the best in each other?

Do you compliment and compromise with each other,
or do you compete, compare, and control?

What do you bring to the relationship?
Do you bring past relationships, past hurt,
past mistrust, past pain?

You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her.
You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.
If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment,
and "a life", you won't find yourself making someone
else responsible for your happiness or responsible for
your pain.

Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness,
and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving,
healthy, loving and lasting relationship!
Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the
wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

What keeps a relationship strong?

Communication, intimacy, trust, a sense of humor,
sharing household tasks, some getaway time without business or children and daily exchanges
(a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note).
Leave a nice message on the voicemail or send a nice email.
Sharing common goals and interests.

Growth is important. Grow together,
not away from each other,
giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure.
Allow your mate to have outside interest.
You can't always be together.
Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment.
Don't try to control one another.
Learn each other's family situation.
Respect his or her parents regardless.
Don't put pressure on each other for material goods.
Remember for richer or for poorer.
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode
as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty,
and pain replace the passion.

The difference between 'United' and 'Untied' is
where you put the 'i'.

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