A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then , just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
----------------------------------------
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me ...
your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
-----------------------------------------
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for
------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.
--------------------------------------------
How old would you be
if you didn't know how old you are?
----------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill
without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.
--------------- -------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so grey
and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
------------------------------------ ----------
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
--------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
------------------------------ -------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft..
Today, it's called golf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A WELL PLANNED LIFE????
Two women met for the first time since graduating
from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized
in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? "
" Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked,
"What do those marriages have to do with a well
planned life?"
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."
Saturday, April 30, 2005
American History!
Some General Knowledge on American History!
Who said these Phases?
"Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
Patrick Henry, 1775
"Government of the People, by the People,
for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Abraham Lincoln, 1863
"F**k the Japs"
Lee Iacocca, 1982
"I'm gonna puke"
George Bush [Sr.] to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991
"Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997
"You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
California Congressman Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.
"Oh shit, we're f**ked!"
Americans, in Iraq, 2004
Who said these Phases?
"Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
Patrick Henry, 1775
"Government of the People, by the People,
for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Abraham Lincoln, 1863
"F**k the Japs"
Lee Iacocca, 1982
"I'm gonna puke"
George Bush [Sr.] to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991
"Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997
"You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
California Congressman Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.
"Oh shit, we're f**ked!"
Americans, in Iraq, 2004
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Bravery!
Definition of Bravery:
True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk
after a very late night out with the boys.
Being met at the door and assaulted with
a broom by your wife . . .. and still having the guts to ask:
"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"
True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk
after a very late night out with the boys.
Being met at the door and assaulted with
a broom by your wife . . .. and still having the guts to ask:
"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Marriage Fun!
Marriage - I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady
and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell
you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when
I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a
hard time about it. Those are my rules.
Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex here
at seven o'clock every night
.............whether you're here or not."
(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)
***
Marriage - II
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day
of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells,
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever"
"Yeah?" she replies.
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
***
Marriage - III
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight
at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says,
"And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty
and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings,
and the irritated husband says,
"what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
***
Marriage - IV
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself,
that he starts calling his wife,
"Mother of Six" inspite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party.
The man decides that it's time to go home and wants
to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice,
"Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
***
Marriage - V The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at
home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence
(and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had
missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go
and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
***
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady
and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell
you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when
I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a
hard time about it. Those are my rules.
Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex here
at seven o'clock every night
.............whether you're here or not."
(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)
***
Marriage - II
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day
of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells,
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever"
"Yeah?" she replies.
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
***
Marriage - III
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight
at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says,
"And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty
and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings,
and the irritated husband says,
"what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
***
Marriage - IV
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself,
that he starts calling his wife,
"Mother of Six" inspite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party.
The man decides that it's time to go home and wants
to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice,
"Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
***
Marriage - V The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at
home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence
(and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had
missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go
and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
***
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Letter To My Friend - ALCOHOL!
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
My friend, you always seem to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game,
and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside
chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck
in the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my
best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has
led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance
or necessity takes place after 2 a.m.
Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends
when I know for a fact they do not want to hear
from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good! meal,
but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce,
along with a large battered sausage and some stale chips
(washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat
after a few cheese curls & chilli cheese chips)?
I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need
to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down.
It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks
that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds
to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop.
This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance
for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order,
but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable!
My entire day is shot.
I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)
prior to going to sleep/passing out face down
on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,
the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere
with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship
for some years now & would like to ensure
that we remain on good terms.
You've been the invoker of great stories,
the provocation for much laughter,
and the needed companion when I just don't know
what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
review my grievances above & address them immediately.
I look forward to an answer no later than Thursday 3pm
(pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully
we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan.
WHEN DRUNK!!!
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Globalization!
Question:
What is the truest definition
of
Globalization?
Answer:
Answer:
Princess Diana's death.
Question:
Question:
How come?
Answer:
Answer:
An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an American,
using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends,
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an American,
using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends,
is
Globalization
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE:
Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.
How long a Minute is,
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.
Ever notice that the People who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?
Most of us go to our Grave
with our music still inside of us.
If Jayajusco is lowering Prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one Person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.
Some Mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.
Don't cry because it's Over;
smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from Crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly Happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Have an awesome day!
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.
How long a Minute is,
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.
Ever notice that the People who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?
Most of us go to our Grave
with our music still inside of us.
If Jayajusco is lowering Prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one Person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.
Some Mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.
Don't cry because it's Over;
smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from Crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly Happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Have an awesome day!
Monday, April 18, 2005
BEER: Healthy, up to a point!
Breaking News on Food & Beverage Development.
The UK’s Advertising Standards Authority has warned a British brewer against advertising its beer as a healthy, nutritious food.
An ad for Gales Best beer, made by Hampshire-based George Gale & Co, was headlined
‘Food for Thought’
and followed by a quotation from Brewing Research International that said:
‘Beer is an all round food containing a balanced package of nutrients and minerals and can be considered to make a positive contribution to a healthy diet’.
The reverse of the beer mat had the slogan,
‘VITAMIN Beer ... I'll drink to that’
beneath four beer brand labels.
While there is some evidence to suggest that a small, regular intake of beer may help prevent heart disease, researchers are not sure whether it is the alcohol, and its anti-inflammatory effect, or the nutrients within the beverage that work to cut the health risk.
George Gale claimed that it used natural ingredients only and believed strongly that they were a producer of high quality wholesome products. The company submitted a review paper concerning the nutritional content of beer.
However, the Authority noted that alcohol inhibited the uptake of several vitamins and minerals. Although the advertisers had shown that beer contained several vitamins and minerals, because they had not proven that beer had the nutritional benefits claimed in the advertisement, the advertisement was deemed misleading.
George Gale said it had not printed any new point of sale material, and the campaign would be discontinued. The Authority advised the advertisers to seek advice from the Committee of Advertising Practice Copy Advice team before using this approach again.
The UK’s Advertising Standards Authority has warned a British brewer against advertising its beer as a healthy, nutritious food.
An ad for Gales Best beer, made by Hampshire-based George Gale & Co, was headlined
‘Food for Thought’
and followed by a quotation from Brewing Research International that said:
‘Beer is an all round food containing a balanced package of nutrients and minerals and can be considered to make a positive contribution to a healthy diet’.
The reverse of the beer mat had the slogan,
‘VITAMIN Beer ... I'll drink to that’
beneath four beer brand labels.
While there is some evidence to suggest that a small, regular intake of beer may help prevent heart disease, researchers are not sure whether it is the alcohol, and its anti-inflammatory effect, or the nutrients within the beverage that work to cut the health risk.
George Gale claimed that it used natural ingredients only and believed strongly that they were a producer of high quality wholesome products. The company submitted a review paper concerning the nutritional content of beer.
However, the Authority noted that alcohol inhibited the uptake of several vitamins and minerals. Although the advertisers had shown that beer contained several vitamins and minerals, because they had not proven that beer had the nutritional benefits claimed in the advertisement, the advertisement was deemed misleading.
George Gale said it had not printed any new point of sale material, and the campaign would be discontinued. The Authority advised the advertisers to seek advice from the Committee of Advertising Practice Copy Advice team before using this approach again.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Chinglish!
Chinglish
This is hilarious... even an Englishman could not
construct sentences using numeric, which is
exclusive only to Malaysians and Singaporeans.
Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10,
he did it again from 10 back to 1.
This is what he came up with...
1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep.
But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down.
The man rush out and wanted to 5 with me.
I run until I fall 6 and throw up.
So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him.
Then I took a 9 and try to stab him.
10 God he run away.
So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven.
Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6.
He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work.
He also asks me to climb a 3 and jump down.
I don't understand, I so nice 2 him
but I don't know what he 1.
Peace of Mind.
Peace of Mind
If you were to ask your neighbor,
"What would give you peace of mind?"
he might tell you, "A vacation in Bermuda!"
or "An extra hundred grand would give me peace!",
or "A new Ferrari would make me content!"
But going places - and getting stuff -
is usually a temporary solution ...
Let's say you buy a lottery ticket and by some miracle
you win your dream Ferrari.
Today you are content.
Tomorrow you are saying, "If I could just catch that
little punk who scratched it in the car park!"
Peace of mind rarely comes from getting more stuff.
Getting more stuff usually leads to wanting
even more stuff!
Peace of mind starts with being grateful for
what you have right now.
GRATITUDE is POWER, and here's why ...
When you are thankful for what you have -
for the friends you have, and for the things you've got,
you attract more good people and good things!
People who always complain about what they
DON'T HAVE, stay stuck.
Complainers attract more things to complain about!
It is a law of life.
It's hard to explain, but you can observe it around you.
We get more of what we dwell upon.
WHAT WE FOCUS ON EXPANDS.....
That's why all the spiritual masters have taught
the same lesson ...
"Start by being thankful.
Be happy with what you have now,
and more will come your way."
It's practical advice.
IN A NUTSHELL
Every time you say a silent "thank you"
you become more peaceful
- and more powerful.
If you were to ask your neighbor,
"What would give you peace of mind?"
he might tell you, "A vacation in Bermuda!"
or "An extra hundred grand would give me peace!",
or "A new Ferrari would make me content!"
But going places - and getting stuff -
is usually a temporary solution ...
Let's say you buy a lottery ticket and by some miracle
you win your dream Ferrari.
Today you are content.
Tomorrow you are saying, "If I could just catch that
little punk who scratched it in the car park!"
Peace of mind rarely comes from getting more stuff.
Getting more stuff usually leads to wanting
even more stuff!
Peace of mind starts with being grateful for
what you have right now.
GRATITUDE is POWER, and here's why ...
When you are thankful for what you have -
for the friends you have, and for the things you've got,
you attract more good people and good things!
People who always complain about what they
DON'T HAVE, stay stuck.
Complainers attract more things to complain about!
It is a law of life.
It's hard to explain, but you can observe it around you.
We get more of what we dwell upon.
WHAT WE FOCUS ON EXPANDS.....
That's why all the spiritual masters have taught
the same lesson ...
"Start by being thankful.
Be happy with what you have now,
and more will come your way."
It's practical advice.
IN A NUTSHELL
Every time you say a silent "thank you"
you become more peaceful
- and more powerful.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Wedding Day on the 4th June 2005.
Visit Their Wedding Web Page for Details:
URL: www.theknot.com/ourwedding/SiSiewLim&Su-AnnWong
Enter Guest Password: sisiew
Friday, April 15, 2005
Point Scoring for Men!
In the world of romance, one single rule applies for men:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's The way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat
with a college buddy (-2)
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicon implants (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your
face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise
to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort
to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
[Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem,
you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking
at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
Now what chance do you have???!!!
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's The way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat
with a college buddy (-2)
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicon implants (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your
face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise
to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort
to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
[Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem,
you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking
at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
Now what chance do you have???!!!
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Malaysian Mentality!
Poem: You Are a 3rd World Country!!!
(A gentle reminder to all Malaysians)
Progress is not solely about prosperity
Nor buildings that look pretty
You may have the KLCC
But some places like Penang are still dirty
So you are still a 3rd world country because of your mentality.
You try to beat the queue to get a taxi
And don't even bother about road courtesy
Not to mention parking indiscriminately
Without signalling you overtake randomly
And abusing lanes for emergency
Rising deaths on the roads is how u celebrate festivity.
You created the MSC
To emulate Silicon Valley
You talk about high technology
To preach about the PC
But yet broadband is denied to many.
You also can't supply stable electricity
Your roads have potholes and are bumpy
And tyres fall off your LRT
So this is Malaysian quality.
Let's create the best schools, roads and toilets in the country
Are what Malaysia Boleh should strive to be
But instead Malaysia Boleh is so funny.
You break records just to make yourself feel happy
Decades passed but this mentality
I still see
Will this carry on till the next century?
Or will this change when we turn 80?
You are helpless and just let it be
Let it be
Will tomorrow be better for you and me?
15 years from now come 2020
If this goes on you will still be
Just another 3rd world country because of your mentality.
(A gentle reminder to all Malaysians)
Progress is not solely about prosperity
Nor buildings that look pretty
You may have the KLCC
But some places like Penang are still dirty
So you are still a 3rd world country because of your mentality.
You try to beat the queue to get a taxi
And don't even bother about road courtesy
Not to mention parking indiscriminately
Without signalling you overtake randomly
And abusing lanes for emergency
Rising deaths on the roads is how u celebrate festivity.
You created the MSC
To emulate Silicon Valley
You talk about high technology
To preach about the PC
But yet broadband is denied to many.
You also can't supply stable electricity
Your roads have potholes and are bumpy
And tyres fall off your LRT
So this is Malaysian quality.
Let's create the best schools, roads and toilets in the country
Are what Malaysia Boleh should strive to be
But instead Malaysia Boleh is so funny.
You break records just to make yourself feel happy
Decades passed but this mentality
I still see
Will this carry on till the next century?
Or will this change when we turn 80?
You are helpless and just let it be
Let it be
Will tomorrow be better for you and me?
15 years from now come 2020
If this goes on you will still be
Just another 3rd world country because of your mentality.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
TATER PEOPLE.
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but
are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called "Spec Taters".
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted
at finding fault with the way others do the work.
They are called "Comment Taters".
Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what
to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.
They are called "Dick Taters".
Some people are always looking to cause problems by
asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or
too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called "Agie Taters".
There are those who say they will help, but somehow
just never get around to actually doing the promised help.
They are called "Hezzie Taters".
Some people can put up a front and pretend to be
someone they are not.
They are called "Emma Taters".
Then there are those who love others and do what they
say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever
they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real
sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called "Sweet Taters".
are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called "Spec Taters".
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted
at finding fault with the way others do the work.
They are called "Comment Taters".
Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what
to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.
They are called "Dick Taters".
Some people are always looking to cause problems by
asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or
too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called "Agie Taters".
There are those who say they will help, but somehow
just never get around to actually doing the promised help.
They are called "Hezzie Taters".
Some people can put up a front and pretend to be
someone they are not.
They are called "Emma Taters".
Then there are those who love others and do what they
say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever
they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real
sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called "Sweet Taters".
Saturday, April 09, 2005
7 Secrets of Extremely Prosperous People
The Seven Secrets of Extremely Prosperous People
By Robert G. Allen
Let's talk about the seven secrets of extremely
prosperous people. I call them secrets not
because very few of us are aware of them,
but because very few of us practice them.
The secrets are, in reality, skills....essential
money skills that all wealthy people practice.
I believe that if you learn these skills,
wealth can also flow into your life....multiple
streams of increasing prosperity.
That'd be nice, wouldn't it?
Money to buy whatever you want....houses,
cars, travel, freedom.
Surplus to share with the people you care most about. Security. Peace of mind.
That's what these skills will bring you.
Fundamental money skills.
Remember the 80/20 principle.
20% of the things you do give you 80% of your results. Well, the same holds true for money.
Only about 20% of the things you hear
are really critical for you to understand.
And that should be comforting.....because
there is a blizzard of financial information
swirling around us every day.
How can you make sense of it?
It's only been in the last five years that the average
person even understood what a mutual fund is.....and
think about all of the other new words derivatives,
aggressive growth fund, foreign markets, draw-down. Almost every day I hear words on the television
that even I am not sure of......and I've been
studying these things for years.
It's got to be almost overwhelming to so many people.....and intimidating.
It seems as if we'll never catch up,
or to be able to just understand what is being said,
let alone do anything.....and then, to be successful at it.
Well, you can relax....because in this one special
report you're going to learn what you need to know
about finances so you can cut through that blizzard
of financial information out there to find exactly
what you need to know and discard the rest.
The bottom line is that there are only 7 essential
money skills that will take you to financial security.
Seven things that wealthy people are good at.....
that take them with certainty toward financial success.
You only need to do seven things well.
I call these Money Skills.
And they are:
Money Skill #1. Value it
Money Skill #2. Manage it
Money Skill #3. Save it
Money Skill #4. Invest it
Money Skill #5. Make it
Money Skill #6. Shield it
Money Skill #7. Share it
By Robert G. Allen
Let's talk about the seven secrets of extremely
prosperous people. I call them secrets not
because very few of us are aware of them,
but because very few of us practice them.
The secrets are, in reality, skills....essential
money skills that all wealthy people practice.
I believe that if you learn these skills,
wealth can also flow into your life....multiple
streams of increasing prosperity.
That'd be nice, wouldn't it?
Money to buy whatever you want....houses,
cars, travel, freedom.
Surplus to share with the people you care most about. Security. Peace of mind.
That's what these skills will bring you.
Fundamental money skills.
Remember the 80/20 principle.
20% of the things you do give you 80% of your results. Well, the same holds true for money.
Only about 20% of the things you hear
are really critical for you to understand.
And that should be comforting.....because
there is a blizzard of financial information
swirling around us every day.
How can you make sense of it?
It's only been in the last five years that the average
person even understood what a mutual fund is.....and
think about all of the other new words derivatives,
aggressive growth fund, foreign markets, draw-down. Almost every day I hear words on the television
that even I am not sure of......and I've been
studying these things for years.
It's got to be almost overwhelming to so many people.....and intimidating.
It seems as if we'll never catch up,
or to be able to just understand what is being said,
let alone do anything.....and then, to be successful at it.
Well, you can relax....because in this one special
report you're going to learn what you need to know
about finances so you can cut through that blizzard
of financial information out there to find exactly
what you need to know and discard the rest.
The bottom line is that there are only 7 essential
money skills that will take you to financial security.
Seven things that wealthy people are good at.....
that take them with certainty toward financial success.
You only need to do seven things well.
I call these Money Skills.
And they are:
Money Skill #1. Value it
Money Skill #2. Manage it
Money Skill #3. Save it
Money Skill #4. Invest it
Money Skill #5. Make it
Money Skill #6. Shield it
Money Skill #7. Share it
Thursday, April 07, 2005
A SOULFUL RELATIONSHIP
A Soulful Relationship
by Rev. Ronald McFadden
If you're not married yet, share this with a friend.
If you are married, share it with your spouse
or other married couples and reflect on it.
An African proverb states,
"Before you get married, keep both eyes open,
and after you marry, close one eye."
Before you get involved and make a commitment
to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity,
ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem,
make you blind to warning signs.
Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself
that you can change someone or that what you
see as faults aren't really important.
Once you decide to commit to someone,
over time his or her flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves,
and differences will become more obvious.
If you love your mate and want the relationship to
grow and evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye
and not let every little thing bother you.
You and your mate have many different expectations,
emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses,
and strengths.
You are two unique individual children of God
who have decided to share a life together.
Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect
for each other?
Do you bring out the best in each other?
Do you compliment and compromise with each other,
or do you compete, compare, and control?
What do you bring to the relationship?
Do you bring past relationships, past hurt,
past mistrust, past pain?
You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her.
You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.
If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment,
and "a life", you won't find yourself making someone
else responsible for your happiness or responsible for
your pain.
Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness,
and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving,
healthy, loving and lasting relationship!
Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the
wrong reasons to be in a relationship.
What keeps a relationship strong?
Communication, intimacy, trust, a sense of humor,
sharing household tasks, some getaway time without business or children and daily exchanges
(a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note).
Leave a nice message on the voicemail or send a nice email.
Sharing common goals and interests.
Growth is important. Grow together,
not away from each other,
giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure.
Allow your mate to have outside interest.
You can't always be together.
Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment.
Don't try to control one another.
Learn each other's family situation.
Respect his or her parents regardless.
Don't put pressure on each other for material goods.
Remember for richer or for poorer.
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode
as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty,
and pain replace the passion.
The difference between 'United' and 'Untied' is
where you put the 'i'.
ARIES
ARIES Drinking style:
Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes
don't know when to call it a night.
Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing
time shot contests.
They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty
after a couple tipples.
Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what
you want out of them, should other methods fail.
Aries can become bellicose when blotto,
but they will assume that whatever happened
should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise.
They can be counted on to do the same for you
-- so long as you haven't gone and done anything
really horrible to them last night,
you sneaky Gemini!
Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes
don't know when to call it a night.
Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing
time shot contests.
They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty
after a couple tipples.
Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what
you want out of them, should other methods fail.
Aries can become bellicose when blotto,
but they will assume that whatever happened
should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise.
They can be counted on to do the same for you
-- so long as you haven't gone and done anything
really horrible to them last night,
you sneaky Gemini!
LESSONS in LOGIC
If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
..........................................................................
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
..........................................................................
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
..........................................................................
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
..........................................................................
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
..........................................................................
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
..........................................................................
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
..........................................................................
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
..........................................................................
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
..........................................................................
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
..........................................................................
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
..........................................................................
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
..........................................................................
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
..........................................................................
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
..........................................................................
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
..........................................................................
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
..........................................................................
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
..........................................................................
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
..........................................................................
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
..........................................................................
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
..........................................................................
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
..........................................................................
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
..........................................................................
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
..........................................................................
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
..........................................................................
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
..........................................................................
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
..........................................................................
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
..........................................................................
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
..........................................................................
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
..........................................................................
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
..........................................................................
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
..........................................................................
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
..........................................................................
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
..........................................................................
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
..........................................................................
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
..........................................................................
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
..........................................................................
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
..........................................................................
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
..........................................................................
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........
***
"Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself".
Monday, April 04, 2005
Friday, April 01, 2005
Pathways to Peace
the message:
Pathways to Peace
"Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they shall be called the children of God."
- Matthew 5:9
Integrity
"Integrity is one of several paths.
It distinguishes itself from the others
because it is the right path and the only one
upon which you will never get lost."
- M.H. McKee
Joy
"If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy,
if the simple things of nature have a message
that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive."
- Eleonora Duse
Kindness
"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear
and the blind can see."
- Mark Twain
Faith
"Faith is the strength by which a shattered world
shall emerge into the light."
- Helen Keller
Courage
"This is courage…
to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends."
- Euripedes
Hope
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark."
- George Iles
Charity
"We must not only give what we have;
we must also give what we are."
- Desire-Joseph Mercier
Love
"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts,
then there is no hurt, but only more love."
- Mother Teresa
Patience
"Never think that God's delays are God's denials.
Hold on, Hold fast, Hold out. Patience is genius."
- Comte Georges Louis Leclerc de Buffon
Determination
"The great thing in this world is not so much
where we are, but in what direction we are moving."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
Gratitude
"A single grateful thought raised to heaven
is the most perfect prayer."
- Gotthold Ephraim Lessing
Humility
"Pride is concerned with who is right.
Humility is concerned with what is right."
- Ezra Taft Benson
Forgiveness
"Forgiveness is the answer to the child's dream of a
miracle by which what is broken is made whole again,
what is soiled is again made clean."
- Dag Hammarskjold
Peace
"We must come to see that peace is not merely
a distant goal we seek, but it is a means by which
we arrive at that goal. We must pursue peaceful ends through peaceful means."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
VIew Presentation: http://www.pathways-to-peace.com/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)