Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
To be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot
and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman,
you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime _____________________________
Monday, December 22, 2008
Shmuley's Words of Wisdom....(I still do not know who is Shmuley?)
Hanging around with Shmuley can be quite inspiring. So, we decided to grab a pen and paper and absorb everything that we could. We are now offering up nugget-sized bits of Shmuley's advice here.
You can't be a good parent without being a good spouse.
There are two kinds of parental love: the love you give your kids, and the love you give your spouse. Kids with loving spouses grow up believing in romantic love.
It's your kid's job to resist. It's your job to impose your will
Good discipline is just another form of love.
Ten percent of life is what happens; the other 90 percent is what you do about it.
Many of us parent out of fear - fear of alienating our kids, fear of making the wrong choice - but fear never leads to the right destination.
You cannot fix your children without also fixing yourself.
The greatest gift a man & a woman can give to their children is the gift of loving each other.
Shalom in the home, domestic tranquility, is the ultimate blessing. The man who has a woman who believes in him is impregnable and invincible. Nothing in life can hurt him because he has peace at this center.
Your marriage is not a facet of your life. It is your life. It is not a detail of your happiness, but its source and greatest blessing. Swallow your pride. Go back to the person to whom you once committed your life and exert the energy to make the marriage work again. By doing so you will have the satisfaction of knowing, not only that you never stopped climbing – that you never quit – but rather that you never climbed alone.
There is enough uncontrollable pain in life without us unnecessarily adding self-inflicted wounds.
The hero is not the man who conquers the world, but who conquers his own passions.
We dare never parent out of fear. Fear is a hysterical reaction to an imagined threat, while caution is a calculated response to a real danger.
We must raise our children to fear none but God alone. (for me our Conscience here)
A parent's bedroom is not a family sitting room or family dormitory. Children should never sleep in their parents' bedroom. If you need to hire a security guard to make your bedroom into Fort Knox, that is still better than allowing your role as parent to conflict with your role as lover to your spouse.
The rule of relationships is this: We all want to be wanted, need to be needed, desire to be desired. Demonstrating a dependency on the object of your love is the golden rule of relationships.
Man is a force of nature, like a hurricane, whose turbulence is on the extremities but has utter calm at its center. We are powerful when we have shalom, tranquility, in the home, when the place to which we retreat is tranquil. Then, none of the external noise pierces our soul. For many families today, however, they have tumultuous winds in the home, forcing them to flee to mind-numbing escapes on the extremities, outside the home.
It's not true that a couple's sex life need end with the advent of children. On the contrary, what is lovemaking other than a man and woman at play, flirtatious and precocious. And the natural playfulness that children inject into the lives of their parents can help them to draw closer.
The greatest gift that a man can give his children is to love their mother. Conversely, the greatest gift that a mother can give her children is to love their father.
By being happily married we gift to our children the knowledge that love works, that the world is comprised of pieces of a puzzle that ultimately fit.
The man who cheats on his wife thinks of himself as an adventurer, when really he is a wanderer.
We dare not make money into a commodity by which to purchase self-esteem.
The foremost sin in a marriage is to put someone (even your child) before each other.
The real purpose of counseling a family is not to point out right and wrong, but to inspire them to choose the right and reject the wrong.
The Garden of Eden was not a place in space, but a place in time. It represents our childhood years, when everything is magical and perfect. Eviction from Eden represents growing up, the natural tendency to be bitten by the hardships and disappointments of life, to calcify and coarsen. The restoration to Eden takes place when we have children, who reintroduce all the lost Eden-like qualities of childhood into our lives.
Parents today are guilty of believing that they can have healthy children without having a healthy family environment.
Most of us promise ourselves that we will never make the same mistakes as our parents, yet we grow up and almost by osmosis, we start becoming them. We end up transmitting to our children the same imperfections that our parents transmitted to us. It's a never-ending cycle. And there comes a time in the generational life of a family that one generation has to say, "Enough, I will be healed so that my children will heal." Let that generation be us.
You cannot have healthy children without having a healthy family environment.
There are no bad children. Only bad parents. When our kids act up, it's time to look in the mirror.
Parents need their children far more than children need their parents.
You are not a hero to the world unless you are first and foremost a hero to your children.
Have you really been successful if the people who mean the most to you, think the least of you?
Monday, December 15, 2008
What will the economy do in 2009?
Will it recover?
Will it fall further?
We asked representatives of every major professional group
to sum up their members' opinions in a single sentence.
The results are in.
The Air Traffic Controllers' Association said: "We reckon the
whole thing is up in the air."
The Archaeologists' Society said: "The economy will dig itself
into the ground."
The Air Pilots' Association said: "We will shortly be encountering
a period of turbulence."
The Automobile Association said: "We're giving it the green light."
The Society of Blacksmiths said: "We're going to get hammered."
The Botanists' Society said: "The problems extend right down to
The Bricklayers' Union said: "It's going to hit a wall."
The Chiropractors' Association said: "The important thing is to
relax and let everything click into place."
The Clockmakers' Society said: "It will tick over at first, but then
The Association of Courier Companies said: "It'll get there, but
take longer than you think."
The Society of Dancers said: "We see it taking steps in the right
The Dentists' Association said: "Now this won't hurt a bit."
The Electricians' Union said: "Sparks are going to fly."
The Entomologists' Club said: "Our members say they can detect
The Farmers' Association said: "We see it growing organically
from the ground up."
The Fire-Fighters' Union said: "It???ll crash and burn."
The Society of Florists' said: "It'll blossom at first, but will then
The Funeral Directors' Society said: "It's dead and buried."
The Geologists' Union said: "It's as solid as a rock."
The Hairdressers' Association said: "We're going to go long at
the top but definitely short at the back and the sides."
The Herpetologists' Club said: "It'll snake about a bit."
The Human Resources Managers' Union said: "We see it
The Jockey Club said: "After lagging for a length, it will beat
the odds by a short nose."
The Journalists' Union said: "It'll be SENSATIONAL."
The Librarians' Society said: "Returns will be late coming and
will incur penalties."
The Lift Technicians' Union said: "We foresee a smooth descent
The Glider Pilots' Association said: "It'll stay up for longer than
most people think."
Members of the Golf Club said: "It's going to be below par."
The Explosive Materials Institute said: "It'll go with a bang."
The Union of Miners said: "We see it falling into a big black hole."
The Musicians' Association said: "After a slow start, it will rise to
a major crescendo."
The Union of Lumberjacks said: "Successive cuts will weaken the
structure until it falls slowly to the ground with a loud crash."
The Flight Engineers' Union said: "There be a short delay for
The Interpreters' Club said: "The economy will fall, tomber, vallen,
jatuh, cadere, falle or cair."
The Financial Analysts' Society said: "It may go up, it may go down,
or it may stay the same. Can I have my bonus now please?"
The Marine Biologists' Institute said: "It's heading underwater."
The Meteorologists' Association said: "The outlook is gloomy spells
with scattered storms."
The Petroleum Importers Society said: "It'll run out of gas."
The Nanotechnology Institute said: "There will be improvements,
but they will be very very very VERY small."
The Nuclear Scientists' Union said: "Don???t worry, nothing can
go wrong. Just keep repeating that."
The Union of Nurses said: "It'll be a bitter pill to swallow."
The Oceanographers' Institute said: "Trouble is coming, wave after
wave of it."
The Opthalmologists' Union said: "It's hard to forecast as the top is
clear but the bottom is a bit blurry."
The Piling Contractors' Association said: "The most important thing
is to lay a firm foundation."
The Pilots' Society said: "We will shortly be beginning our descent."
The Police Officers' Club said: "It will proceed straight ahead in a
westerly manner before encountering disturbances counter to the
maintenance of further onward progress."
The Property Sales Association said: "It's as safe as houses."
The Expectant Mothers' Society said: "You're laboring under a
The Society of Public Relations Officers said: "There's going to be
another massive fall, or what we prefer to call a 'negative rise'."
The Psychiatrists' Union said: "You're all bonkers."
The Association of Quality Control Inspectors said: "It's a reject."
The Unlicensed Bus Drivers' Union said: "Hold tight, it's going to
be a wild ride."
The Skaters' Association said: "It???s on thin ice."
The Society of X-Ray Technicians said: "We can see right through
The Storytellers' Society said: "It will grow like Topsy."
The Taxidermists' Union said: "It's totally stuffed."
The Teachers' Union said: "Fail. Re-take. Must try harder."
The Union of Time Signal Announcers said: "At the beep, the
economy will go from recession to depression: Bip. Bip. Bip.
The Urologists' Conference said: "The notion of recovery just
doesn???t hold water."
The Veterinary Surgeons' Union said: "Anyone expecting good
news is barking mad."
The World Council of Churches said: "Heaven only knows."
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, For Sale....... Cheap...........No Strings Attached.
Ad In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ...
One Lung At A Time!
On A Bulletin Board: Success Is Relative.
When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking
My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses
You Know Your kids Have Grown Up
Sign In A Bar:
Sign In Driving School:
Don't Stand In Her Way.
Behind Every Great Man,
The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask Too Many Questions.
Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.
Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Snore And You Sleep Alone.
The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit:
A Traffic Slogan:
Sign In A Restaurant:
Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window:
The darkest hour has but sixty minutes.
Never hate anyone quite as much as you think you should.
Habits come in three classifications:
One of the delicate jobs in life is teaching the kids
Whether your influence on people is good or bad
We've never heard of a mob rushing across town to do a kindness.
Money can't buy happiness unless you spend it on somebody else.
A man may lead a woman to the altar,
A good listener is not only popular everywhere,
For every minute you are angry you lose 60 seconds of happiness.
To be the picture of good health be in a good frame of mind.
The man who has not tasted the bitter does not know what the sweet is.
Wealth is not his that has it, but his that enjoys it.
You never get a second chance to make a good impression.
It is part of the cure to wish to be cured.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
ANDY ROONEY ON SEX
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big dick or a good memory
....I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men
....'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge
.......if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed',
many men still sleep with their wives!
Send to the men who need a laugh
and the women with a good sense of humour!