SIXTEEN THINGS THAT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:

SIXTEEN THINGS THAT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:

1. Never, under any circumstances, 

take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, 

the reason why the human race has not achieved, 

and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you 

almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear 

and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even 

remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you 

can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other 

people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, 

regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status 

or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, 

we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. 

(This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

Note: For no. 13, one could add to waiter/waitress - labourer, 

worker, servant, maid, gardener, mechanic, sales person, cashier, beggar, driver, helper, etc.

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. 

Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. 

A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, 

and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them 

until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY 

There is more money being spent on breast implants and 

Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. 

This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly 

population with perky boobs and huge erections 

and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.