Wisdom from Grandpa.
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg,
or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick
he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man
gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better,
or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one;
but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife
like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey,
you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'.
No wife of mine is gonna work."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook,
sew, and make beds and is in good health,
and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop
lying about your age and start bragging about it.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Are You CHINESE?
28 + 4 ways to know if you're Chinese
1. You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save
and reuse the wrapping (and especially those ribbons).
2. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy
100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the
bedroom of an adult child who has move out.
3. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.
4. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin
containers. You use the grocery bags to hold
garbage.
5. You hate to waste food:
a ) Even if you're totally full, if someone says
they're going to throw away the leftovers on the
table, you'll finish them.
(Your mom will give a lecture about starving kids
in Africa)
b ) You have Tupperware in your fridge with three
bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.
6. You don't own any real Tupperware - only a
cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine
tubs, take out containers, and jam jars.
7. You have a collection of minature shampoo
bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
8. You wipe your plate and utensils or wash them in
a small basin of hot water before you eat every time
you go to a restaurant.
9. You own a rice cooker and a slow cooker.
10. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before
cooking it.
11. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill.
12. You have a teacup with a cover on it.
13. If you're under age 20, you own a really
expensive walkman if you're over 20, you own a
really expensive camera.
14. You're a wok user.
15. You only make long distance calls after 7pm.
16. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs
still attached - it means they're fresh.
17. You never call your parents just to say hi.
18. If you don't live at home, when your parents
call, they'll ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
19. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay
inside when you get sick. They also tell you not to
eat fried foods or baked goods because they're heaty
(yeet hay in Cantonese).
20. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even
though you only sit 10 feet apart.
21. You always cook too much.
22. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl,
but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.
23. You starve yourself before going to all you can
eat buffet.
24. You know someone who can get you a good deal on
jewelry or electronics, computers.
25. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
26. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
27. You know why this list consists of only "28"reasons.
28. You take this message and forward it to all your Chinese friends.
***
There are four more indications that you need to add (28+4):
29. You wrap with napkins all the knives, spoons
and forks of the airline that you fly on and put in
your travelbag as souvenirs.
30. You never forget to take with you all the
unused bath and facial tissues when you check out
from the hotel because you believe that you have paid
its all.
31. You will laugh at yourself when you read all of them.
32. And you will always be proud because you're chinese.
1. You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save
and reuse the wrapping (and especially those ribbons).
2. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy
100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the
bedroom of an adult child who has move out.
3. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.
4. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin
containers. You use the grocery bags to hold
garbage.
5. You hate to waste food:
a ) Even if you're totally full, if someone says
they're going to throw away the leftovers on the
table, you'll finish them.
(Your mom will give a lecture about starving kids
in Africa)
b ) You have Tupperware in your fridge with three
bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.
6. You don't own any real Tupperware - only a
cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine
tubs, take out containers, and jam jars.
7. You have a collection of minature shampoo
bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
8. You wipe your plate and utensils or wash them in
a small basin of hot water before you eat every time
you go to a restaurant.
9. You own a rice cooker and a slow cooker.
10. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before
cooking it.
11. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill.
12. You have a teacup with a cover on it.
13. If you're under age 20, you own a really
expensive walkman if you're over 20, you own a
really expensive camera.
14. You're a wok user.
15. You only make long distance calls after 7pm.
16. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs
still attached - it means they're fresh.
17. You never call your parents just to say hi.
18. If you don't live at home, when your parents
call, they'll ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
19. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay
inside when you get sick. They also tell you not to
eat fried foods or baked goods because they're heaty
(yeet hay in Cantonese).
20. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even
though you only sit 10 feet apart.
21. You always cook too much.
22. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl,
but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.
23. You starve yourself before going to all you can
eat buffet.
24. You know someone who can get you a good deal on
jewelry or electronics, computers.
25. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
26. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
27. You know why this list consists of only "28"reasons.
28. You take this message and forward it to all your Chinese friends.
***
There are four more indications that you need to add (28+4):
29. You wrap with napkins all the knives, spoons
and forks of the airline that you fly on and put in
your travelbag as souvenirs.
30. You never forget to take with you all the
unused bath and facial tissues when you check out
from the hotel because you believe that you have paid
its all.
31. You will laugh at yourself when you read all of them.
32. And you will always be proud because you're chinese.
Friday, September 23, 2005
Beauty of a Woman
~~ Beauty of a Woman ~~
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
The passion that she shows.
The beauty of a woman
With time, only grows..
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
The passion that she shows.
The beauty of a woman
With time, only grows..
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
The Benefits of a Challenge!
The Benefits of a Challenge
The more intelligent,
persistent and competent you are,
the more you enjoy a good problem.
If your challenges are the correct size,
and if you are steadily conquering those challenges,
you are happy.
You think of your challenges and get energized.
You are excited to try new solutions.
You have fun.
You are alive!
"Man thrives, oddly enough,
only in the presence of a challenging environment."
- L. Ron Hubbard
"Too Much Money"
As soon as you reach your goals,
such as finding a wonderful mate,
starting a successful company,
paying off your debts or whatever,
you might lose your passion.
You don't need to work so hard,
so you relax.
You experience the same problem as lottery winners
who waste their money,
wealthy heirs who never grow up
and bored homemakers
who get addicted to prescription drugs.
It was observed by L. Ron Hubbard in the early 1950's.
***
If there is light in the soul,
there will be beauty in the person.
If there is beauty in the person,
there will be harmony in the house.
If there is harmony in the house,
there will be order in the nation.
If there is order in the nation,
there will be peace in the world.
~ Chinese Proverb ~
As soon as you reach your goals,
such as finding a wonderful mate,
starting a successful company,
paying off your debts or whatever,
you might lose your passion.
You don't need to work so hard,
so you relax.
You experience the same problem as lottery winners
who waste their money,
wealthy heirs who never grow up
and bored homemakers
who get addicted to prescription drugs.
It was observed by L. Ron Hubbard in the early 1950's.
***
If there is light in the soul,
there will be beauty in the person.
If there is beauty in the person,
there will be harmony in the house.
If there is harmony in the house,
there will be order in the nation.
If there is order in the nation,
there will be peace in the world.
~ Chinese Proverb ~
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
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Friday, September 16, 2005
Quality of Life!
Cup or Water?
A group of working adults got together to visit their
University lecturer. The Lecturer was happy to see
them. Conversation soon turned into complaints
about stress in work and life.
The Lecturer just smiled and went to the kitchen to get an assortment of cups - some porcelain, some in plastic,
some in glass, some plain looking and some looked rather
expensive and exquisite.
The Lecturer offered his former students the cups to
get drinks for themselves.
When all the students had a cup in hand with water,
the Lecturer spoke: "If you noticed, all the nice
looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind
the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal that you
only want the best for yourselves, that is the source
of your problems and stress. What all you wanted was
water, not the cup, but we unconsciously went for the
better cups."
"Just like in life, if Life is Water, then the jobs,
money and position in society are the cups. They are
just tools to hold or maintain Life, but the quality
of Life doesn't change."
"If we only concentrate on the cup, we won't have time
to enjoy the water in it."
A group of working adults got together to visit their
University lecturer. The Lecturer was happy to see
them. Conversation soon turned into complaints
about stress in work and life.
The Lecturer just smiled and went to the kitchen to get an assortment of cups - some porcelain, some in plastic,
some in glass, some plain looking and some looked rather
expensive and exquisite.
The Lecturer offered his former students the cups to
get drinks for themselves.
When all the students had a cup in hand with water,
the Lecturer spoke: "If you noticed, all the nice
looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind
the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal that you
only want the best for yourselves, that is the source
of your problems and stress. What all you wanted was
water, not the cup, but we unconsciously went for the
better cups."
"Just like in life, if Life is Water, then the jobs,
money and position in society are the cups. They are
just tools to hold or maintain Life, but the quality
of Life doesn't change."
"If we only concentrate on the cup, we won't have time
to enjoy the water in it."
***
IVGLDSW Day!
Today is
International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day!
And remember this motto to live by:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave
with the intention of arriving safely
in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways,
chocolate in one hand,
wine in the other,
body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming...
Damn,
What a ride!!
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Tired at end of each work day!?
Why are we so tired at the end of each work day?
Have you wonder why office staff is always dead tired?
They are tired by the end of the day and companies
require no further physical fitness programmes for their employees.
The reason is that EVERYONE gets enough exercise by:
1. Jumping to conclusion
2. Beating around the bush
3. Running down the boss
4. Going around the circles
5. Dragging their feet
6. Passing the buck
7. Climbing the ladder
8. Wading through paperwork
9. Pulling strings
10. Throwing their weight around
11. Stretching the truth
12. Bending the rules
13. Pushing their luck
NO WONDER THEY ARE ALL TIRED AT THE END OF A WORKING DAY!!
Have you wonder why office staff is always dead tired?
They are tired by the end of the day and companies
require no further physical fitness programmes for their employees.
The reason is that EVERYONE gets enough exercise by:
1. Jumping to conclusion
2. Beating around the bush
3. Running down the boss
4. Going around the circles
5. Dragging their feet
6. Passing the buck
7. Climbing the ladder
8. Wading through paperwork
9. Pulling strings
10. Throwing their weight around
11. Stretching the truth
12. Bending the rules
13. Pushing their luck
NO WONDER THEY ARE ALL TIRED AT THE END OF A WORKING DAY!!
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Bob Hope . . . and Smile
THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.
Bob Hope (1903 - 2003)
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring the referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
'Congratulations.You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed.
When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
Bob Hope (1903 - 2003)
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring the referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
'Congratulations.You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed.
When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
Friday, September 09, 2005
Thursday, September 08, 2005
SIX NAUGHTY MEN!
This is what they say:
1: he says.......take off your clothes!!
2: he says.......open wide!!
3: he says.......you want it in the front or the back??
4: he says.......you want teasing or blowing??
5: he says.......once it's in you'll love it!!
6: he says.......once it's out, you lose interest!!
Guess who are they!!!!!!!!!
They are:
1: A Doctor.....he says.......take off your clothes!!
2: A Dentist.....he says......open wide!!
3: The Milkman.....he says......you want it in the front or the back??
4: The Hairdresser.....he says.......you want teasing or blowing??
5: The Interior Designer.....he says.......once it's in you'll love it!!
6: The Banker.....he says.......once it's out, you'll lose interest!!
What are you thinking, huh?!
Naughty Naughty!!
1: he says.......take off your clothes!!
2: he says.......open wide!!
3: he says.......you want it in the front or the back??
4: he says.......you want teasing or blowing??
5: he says.......once it's in you'll love it!!
6: he says.......once it's out, you lose interest!!
Guess who are they!!!!!!!!!
They are:
1: A Doctor.....he says.......take off your clothes!!
2: A Dentist.....he says......open wide!!
3: The Milkman.....he says......you want it in the front or the back??
4: The Hairdresser.....he says.......you want teasing or blowing??
5: The Interior Designer.....he says.......once it's in you'll love it!!
6: The Banker.....he says.......once it's out, you'll lose interest!!
What are you thinking, huh?!
Naughty Naughty!!
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Monday, September 05, 2005
21st CENTURY LIFE LESS - NESS..!!
Our communication - Wireless
Our business - Cashless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our religion - Creedless
Our food - Fatless
Our faith - Godless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our commitment - Aimless
Our life - Meaningless
Our bosses - Hopeless
Our salary - Very less !!!!!!!!!!!!
Our business - Cashless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our religion - Creedless
Our food - Fatless
Our faith - Godless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our commitment - Aimless
Our life - Meaningless
Our bosses - Hopeless
Our salary - Very less !!!!!!!!!!!!
Men are like.....
1. Men are like Laxatives ... They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
**********************************************
GOLF
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented.
It was ruled "Gentlemen Only ... Ladies Forbidden"
... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
2. Men are like Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
**********************************************
GOLF
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented.
It was ruled "Gentlemen Only ... Ladies Forbidden"
... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Malaysians Vs Singaporeans
Malaysians Vs Singaporeans
A tongue-in-cheek comparison.
Malaysians and Singaporeans do have quite a bit in common. However, if you do pay attention, you might notice some distinguishing traits that might spell the difference between a true blue Malaysian and a die-hard Singaporean.
AT A BUFFET
Malaysian: Eats until he throws up.
Singaporean: Eats until he throws up, and then eats some more before 'tau pau' some home.
LAW & ORDER
Malaysian: Knows his laws, disobeys them and that's fine.
Singaporean: Knows his laws, disobeys them and gets fined
ECONOMY
Malaysian: Trade Union owned by rich, pretentious bastards who don't know the shit about the struggles of the working class.
Singaporean: Trade Union owned by the government.
MANNERS
Malaysian: Cuts a queue, feels guilty, tries to pretend nothing happened
Singaporean: Cuts a queue, feels guilty, tries to justify his motive.
("Actually hor, you know ah, I've been here already for very long, one!")
CUSTOMS
Malaysian: Attempts to smuggle drugs and tobacco into Singapore.
Singaporean: Attempts to smuggle Ramlee Burger into Singapore.
LEADERSHIP
Malaysian: Former Prime Minister retires and goes off to enjoy life while calling the shots from behind the scene.
Singaporean: Former Prime Minister retires... oh wait, no he doesn't.
INFRASTRUCTURE
Malaysian: Builds Twin Towers to symbolise what Malaysia is all about.
Singaporean: Builds Twin Metal-Spiked Balls for the same purpose.
CORRUPTION
Singaporean: Culprit begs policeman for leniency.
Malaysian: Policeman begs culprit for money.
POLITICS
Malaysian: Believes in a one-phantom-one-vote policy.
Singaporean: Lee Kuan Yew votes on behalf of the country.
CENSORSHIP
Singaporean: Allows adult films to be screened so long as patrons are of age and film possesses a certain aesthetic value.
Malaysian: Buy the VCD lah!
(buy one free two)
PATRIOTISM
Malaysian: Sings Malaysian National Anthem in Bahasa Malaysia.
Singaporean: Sings Singaporean National Anthem in Bahasa Malaysia.
A tongue-in-cheek comparison.
Malaysians and Singaporeans do have quite a bit in common. However, if you do pay attention, you might notice some distinguishing traits that might spell the difference between a true blue Malaysian and a die-hard Singaporean.
AT A BUFFET
Malaysian: Eats until he throws up.
Singaporean: Eats until he throws up, and then eats some more before 'tau pau' some home.
LAW & ORDER
Malaysian: Knows his laws, disobeys them and that's fine.
Singaporean: Knows his laws, disobeys them and gets fined
ECONOMY
Malaysian: Trade Union owned by rich, pretentious bastards who don't know the shit about the struggles of the working class.
Singaporean: Trade Union owned by the government.
MANNERS
Malaysian: Cuts a queue, feels guilty, tries to pretend nothing happened
Singaporean: Cuts a queue, feels guilty, tries to justify his motive.
("Actually hor, you know ah, I've been here already for very long, one!")
CUSTOMS
Malaysian: Attempts to smuggle drugs and tobacco into Singapore.
Singaporean: Attempts to smuggle Ramlee Burger into Singapore.
LEADERSHIP
Malaysian: Former Prime Minister retires and goes off to enjoy life while calling the shots from behind the scene.
Singaporean: Former Prime Minister retires... oh wait, no he doesn't.
INFRASTRUCTURE
Malaysian: Builds Twin Towers to symbolise what Malaysia is all about.
Singaporean: Builds Twin Metal-Spiked Balls for the same purpose.
CORRUPTION
Singaporean: Culprit begs policeman for leniency.
Malaysian: Policeman begs culprit for money.
POLITICS
Malaysian: Believes in a one-phantom-one-vote policy.
Singaporean: Lee Kuan Yew votes on behalf of the country.
CENSORSHIP
Singaporean: Allows adult films to be screened so long as patrons are of age and film possesses a certain aesthetic value.
Malaysian: Buy the VCD lah!
(buy one free two)
PATRIOTISM
Malaysian: Sings Malaysian National Anthem in Bahasa Malaysia.
Singaporean: Sings Singaporean National Anthem in Bahasa Malaysia.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
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