Amazing Facts
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you.
The spray blocks the mosquito's sensor so they don't know you're there.
----------------
No piece of paper can be fold in half more than 7 times.
----------------
You burn more calories sleeping then you do watching television (Not to be confused with sleeping in front of TV set).
---------------
The first product to have bar code was Wrigley's gum.
---------------
The king of Hearts is the only king without a mustache.
---------------
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
---------------
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
---------------
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
---------------
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
---------------
Pearl melt in vinegar.
--------------
It is possible to lead a cow upstair ------- but not down-stairs.
--------------
A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
--------------
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up
in the morning.
Friday, December 30, 2005
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Thursday, December 22, 2005
8 MONKEYS!
Management : *8 Monkeys*
(This is based on an actual experiment conducted in U.K.)
Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder,
leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.
Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are
sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.
Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.
One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.
However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder. A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.
One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced.
Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.
This is how any company's policies get Established.
(This is based on an actual experiment conducted in U.K.)
Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder,
leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.
Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are
sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.
Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.
One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.
However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder. A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.
One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced.
Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.
This is how any company's policies get Established.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
How To Avoid The FLU?
Flu season is just around the corner.
How to avoid it!
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of
fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because
exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day,
go for a swim,
take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them,
keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress
from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot,
what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!
My grandmother always said,
"A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!"
Live Well - Laugh Often - Love Much
How to avoid it!
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of
fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because
exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day,
go for a swim,
take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them,
keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress
from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot,
what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!
My grandmother always said,
"A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!"
Live Well - Laugh Often - Love Much
Monday, December 19, 2005
Monday, December 12, 2005
Dictionary reveals most looked-up words
The 10 most-frequently looked-up words and their definitions, according to Merriam-Webster's online dictionary site:
1. Integrity - Firm adherence to a code, especially moral
or artistic values; incorruptibility.
2. Refugee - One that flees; especially a person who flees to a foreign country or power to escape danger or persecution.
3. Contempt - Wilful disobedience to or open disrespect
of a court, judge or legislative body.
4. Filibuster - The use of extreme dilatory tactics in an attempt to delay or prevent action, especially in a
legislative assembly.
5. Insipid - Lacking in qualities that interest, stimulate or
challenge; dull, flat.
6. Tsunami - A great sea wave produced especially by submarine earth movement or volcanic eruption.
7. Pandemic - Occurring over a wide geographic area
and affecting an exceptionally high proportion of the population.
8. Conclave - A private meeting or secret assembly, especially a meeting of Roman Catholic cardinals
secluded continuously while choosing a pope.
9. Levee - An embankment for preventing flooding; a continuous dike or ridge (as of earth) for confining the irrigation areas of land to be flooded.
10. Inept - Generally incompetent; bungling.
1. Integrity - Firm adherence to a code, especially moral
or artistic values; incorruptibility.
2. Refugee - One that flees; especially a person who flees to a foreign country or power to escape danger or persecution.
3. Contempt - Wilful disobedience to or open disrespect
of a court, judge or legislative body.
4. Filibuster - The use of extreme dilatory tactics in an attempt to delay or prevent action, especially in a
legislative assembly.
5. Insipid - Lacking in qualities that interest, stimulate or
challenge; dull, flat.
6. Tsunami - A great sea wave produced especially by submarine earth movement or volcanic eruption.
7. Pandemic - Occurring over a wide geographic area
and affecting an exceptionally high proportion of the population.
8. Conclave - A private meeting or secret assembly, especially a meeting of Roman Catholic cardinals
secluded continuously while choosing a pope.
9. Levee - An embankment for preventing flooding; a continuous dike or ridge (as of earth) for confining the irrigation areas of land to be flooded.
10. Inept - Generally incompetent; bungling.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Malaysian Style
Malaysian Style
Lesson 1
You have just landed in KL International Airport and the first thing you want to do is to call your Malaysian friend. If you're calling him at home or at the office, the first thing to say on the phone is "Eh, what you doing?". If you're calling him on the handphone (cellular phone) the standard greeting is "Eh, where are you?"
Lesson 2
Your Malaysian friend has graciously offered to pick you from the airport. He said "Give me half an hour...", be prepared to wait at least one and a half hours. This is probably your first encounter with Malaysian Timing. There's no need to adjust your watch. Whatever time a Malaysian tells you, just add another hour, and you won't go wrong.
Lesson 3
You have no friends in Malaysia (yet) and you decide to take a cab from the airport. You'll soon realize that the one-way taxi fare is more expensive than a night's stay at most decent hotels.
Lesson 4
If your friendly limo or taxi driver, says "Sir, you want to try some Thai chicken?", he's definitely not suggesting a good place for Thai food. If you encounter the word "chicken" in a taxi, hotel
lobby or street corner it usually means a lady who charges you a fee in exchange for pleasure.
Lesson 5
If you're a newbie expat, your colleagues will definitely introduce you to the mini Beverly Hills of Kuala Lumpur, Bangsar. Believe me, there are other more interesting places to shop, eat and drink. And by the way, get the pronunciation right! It's "Bar-ngsar" not "Bang-sar" as in "Bangkok".
Lesson 6
Since you're heading for Bangsar anyway, you ought to know that Bangsar was previously Indian territory before the white men's invasion. Some of the local Indians you meet there try their very best to look and behave like the blacks in the US.. Complete with rapper's hair cut, shades and customary "Yo! What's up motherxxxx?" greeting, you would probably think that you're right in the middle of Harlem. But remember this important warning: Don't ever call them blacks, even though their sole purpose in life is to look and sound like the blacks. They become extremely hostile if you refer to them as blacks! I can never figure this out but don't say I didn't warn you.
Lesson 7
Why do Malaysians call all Caucasians "Mat Sallehs"? About a hundred years ago, drunkard sailors from the West were a common sight in the Port Klang area. The locals used to call them "Mad Sailors". Somehow, it got corrupted into the Malay name "Mat Salleh". The Chinese will still call you "Gwai-Loh" or "Devil". To the more polite Hokkiens you're a "Ang Moh" or "Red Hair".
Lesson 8
If your Chinese friends invite you to join them for a Chinese meal like "Hokkien Mee" or "Bak Kut Teh", eat as much as you can. You're never gonna get it anywhere else. Not even in China, Taiwan or HongKong. There's another Malaysian invention, the "Yee Sang" or raw fish salad (served during the Chinese New Year). Before I forget,if you're the queasy type, avoid ordering "spare-parts" when you're having "Bak Kut Teh", unless you fancy all the internal parts of a pig.
Lesson 9
When you're in a restaurant, always "pop" the disposable tissue packet as loud as you can. Don't worry, nobody will get annoyed. Usually, at the end of a ten course dinner, there'll be one "Big Bang" as everybody "pop" theirs. In order to express your appreciation to your generous host, remember to throw in a loud belch as well. Although it may be normal in your own country, don't ask the waiter for a separate bill (check). Either you pay for everything or just keep your mouth (and wallet) shut. If you feel bad about it, offer to pay the next time. Anyway, don't worry too much about it as most locals know that most Mat Sallehs are "stingy buggers"...
Lesson 10
Don't like to be a stingy Mat? Take your friends to a Mamak "fish-head curry" restaurant. Order the prawns and the crabs as well. Be totally reckless, don't ask about the prices and don't check your bill as well. I guarantee you'll find a big hole. The one in your pocket, not the ones you're always chasing in Bangsar. Whether you're in a five-star hotel or at a roadside stall, always ask for the "bill". Nobody will understand when you say "check" or "tab". Need a paper napkin or serviette? Just say "tissue".
Lesson 11
Every Wednesday or Thursday night is Ladies' Night at the "fun pubs" and discos. That's the night when most club operators get rid of all their stale and unwanted alcohol. They mix it into some strange cocktails and give it away free to the ladies. Ladies' Night is actually Men's Night! That's the time when all the predatory "buayas" (crocodiles) go out in full force. Stick to normal nights, you'll find less competition. If you're a lady, stay away from the "buayas" and the free drinks (unless it's pouring brands).
Lesson 12
Stop hassling the street vendor who sold you a 3 VCD set of "The Titanic" that didn't exactly meet the ISO 9000 specifications. C'mon, what can you buy for US $3 back home? Besides, you should listen to your own government and not buy pirated stuff. But from what I see at Imbi Plaza, pewter and batik are no longer the favorite souvenirs. By the way, when you're at Imbi Plaza, don't forget to check out another distinguished landmark of Malaysia; the world's first and only permanently static escalator.
Lesson 13
Malaysian drivers tend to slow down when they come across any road accidents. They are not being cautious nor are they intending to give assistance. They must catch a glimpse of that ever important "Nombor". Even if the number (license) plate is broken into a million pieces, the passerbys will patiently re-assemble it just to obtain that "lucky" number. Then, it's off to the 4D betting shops. If the numbers don't come this way, they do some quick interpretation of their dreams through the handy Chinese Dream Book. It looks like a Clip Art Visual Catalog. Nightmares are included as well....
Damn, I'm Proud to be a Malaysian!
Lesson 1
You have just landed in KL International Airport and the first thing you want to do is to call your Malaysian friend. If you're calling him at home or at the office, the first thing to say on the phone is "Eh, what you doing?". If you're calling him on the handphone (cellular phone) the standard greeting is "Eh, where are you?"
Lesson 2
Your Malaysian friend has graciously offered to pick you from the airport. He said "Give me half an hour...", be prepared to wait at least one and a half hours. This is probably your first encounter with Malaysian Timing. There's no need to adjust your watch. Whatever time a Malaysian tells you, just add another hour, and you won't go wrong.
Lesson 3
You have no friends in Malaysia (yet) and you decide to take a cab from the airport. You'll soon realize that the one-way taxi fare is more expensive than a night's stay at most decent hotels.
Lesson 4
If your friendly limo or taxi driver, says "Sir, you want to try some Thai chicken?", he's definitely not suggesting a good place for Thai food. If you encounter the word "chicken" in a taxi, hotel
lobby or street corner it usually means a lady who charges you a fee in exchange for pleasure.
Lesson 5
If you're a newbie expat, your colleagues will definitely introduce you to the mini Beverly Hills of Kuala Lumpur, Bangsar. Believe me, there are other more interesting places to shop, eat and drink. And by the way, get the pronunciation right! It's "Bar-ngsar" not "Bang-sar" as in "Bangkok".
Lesson 6
Since you're heading for Bangsar anyway, you ought to know that Bangsar was previously Indian territory before the white men's invasion. Some of the local Indians you meet there try their very best to look and behave like the blacks in the US.. Complete with rapper's hair cut, shades and customary "Yo! What's up motherxxxx?" greeting, you would probably think that you're right in the middle of Harlem. But remember this important warning: Don't ever call them blacks, even though their sole purpose in life is to look and sound like the blacks. They become extremely hostile if you refer to them as blacks! I can never figure this out but don't say I didn't warn you.
Lesson 7
Why do Malaysians call all Caucasians "Mat Sallehs"? About a hundred years ago, drunkard sailors from the West were a common sight in the Port Klang area. The locals used to call them "Mad Sailors". Somehow, it got corrupted into the Malay name "Mat Salleh". The Chinese will still call you "Gwai-Loh" or "Devil". To the more polite Hokkiens you're a "Ang Moh" or "Red Hair".
Lesson 8
If your Chinese friends invite you to join them for a Chinese meal like "Hokkien Mee" or "Bak Kut Teh", eat as much as you can. You're never gonna get it anywhere else. Not even in China, Taiwan or HongKong. There's another Malaysian invention, the "Yee Sang" or raw fish salad (served during the Chinese New Year). Before I forget,if you're the queasy type, avoid ordering "spare-parts" when you're having "Bak Kut Teh", unless you fancy all the internal parts of a pig.
Lesson 9
When you're in a restaurant, always "pop" the disposable tissue packet as loud as you can. Don't worry, nobody will get annoyed. Usually, at the end of a ten course dinner, there'll be one "Big Bang" as everybody "pop" theirs. In order to express your appreciation to your generous host, remember to throw in a loud belch as well. Although it may be normal in your own country, don't ask the waiter for a separate bill (check). Either you pay for everything or just keep your mouth (and wallet) shut. If you feel bad about it, offer to pay the next time. Anyway, don't worry too much about it as most locals know that most Mat Sallehs are "stingy buggers"...
Lesson 10
Don't like to be a stingy Mat? Take your friends to a Mamak "fish-head curry" restaurant. Order the prawns and the crabs as well. Be totally reckless, don't ask about the prices and don't check your bill as well. I guarantee you'll find a big hole. The one in your pocket, not the ones you're always chasing in Bangsar. Whether you're in a five-star hotel or at a roadside stall, always ask for the "bill". Nobody will understand when you say "check" or "tab". Need a paper napkin or serviette? Just say "tissue".
Lesson 11
Every Wednesday or Thursday night is Ladies' Night at the "fun pubs" and discos. That's the night when most club operators get rid of all their stale and unwanted alcohol. They mix it into some strange cocktails and give it away free to the ladies. Ladies' Night is actually Men's Night! That's the time when all the predatory "buayas" (crocodiles) go out in full force. Stick to normal nights, you'll find less competition. If you're a lady, stay away from the "buayas" and the free drinks (unless it's pouring brands).
Lesson 12
Stop hassling the street vendor who sold you a 3 VCD set of "The Titanic" that didn't exactly meet the ISO 9000 specifications. C'mon, what can you buy for US $3 back home? Besides, you should listen to your own government and not buy pirated stuff. But from what I see at Imbi Plaza, pewter and batik are no longer the favorite souvenirs. By the way, when you're at Imbi Plaza, don't forget to check out another distinguished landmark of Malaysia; the world's first and only permanently static escalator.
Lesson 13
Malaysian drivers tend to slow down when they come across any road accidents. They are not being cautious nor are they intending to give assistance. They must catch a glimpse of that ever important "Nombor". Even if the number (license) plate is broken into a million pieces, the passerbys will patiently re-assemble it just to obtain that "lucky" number. Then, it's off to the 4D betting shops. If the numbers don't come this way, they do some quick interpretation of their dreams through the handy Chinese Dream Book. It looks like a Clip Art Visual Catalog. Nightmares are included as well....
Damn, I'm Proud to be a Malaysian!
Thursday, December 01, 2005
What does a 320 pound woman look like?!
Not what you were expecting, was it ???
Seems she's the Tallest and Biggest woman in the world from Holland.
She is 7'4" and weighs 320.
Believe it or not !!!
THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER!
Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
You gotta love the Marines!
and
Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the worst answer.
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said,
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
You gotta love the Marines!
and
Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the worst answer.
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
TOP TEN THOUGHTS OF 2005
Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!
Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky..... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005:
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.
Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Blame!!
Blame...Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of
lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home
drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries
to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers
kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it
is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is
parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame
Bill Gates...okay?
Bye!
Have a Great Day!
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of
lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home
drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries
to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers
kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it
is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is
parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame
Bill Gates...okay?
Bye!
Have a Great Day!
Saturday, November 19, 2005
The Men in a Woman's Life!
The Seven Most Important Men In A Woman's Life!
The Doctor
- who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
The Dentist
- who tells her to "open wide."
The Milkman- who asks her
"do you want it in the front or the back?"
The Hairdresser
- who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
The Interior Designer
- who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
The Banker
- who insists to her "if you take it out too soon,
you'll lose interest!"
The Primal Hunter
- who always goes deep into the bush,
always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots,
but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
The Doctor
- who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
The Dentist
- who tells her to "open wide."
The Milkman- who asks her
"do you want it in the front or the back?"
The Hairdresser
- who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
The Interior Designer
- who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
The Banker
- who insists to her "if you take it out too soon,
you'll lose interest!"
The Primal Hunter
- who always goes deep into the bush,
always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots,
but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
Friday, November 18, 2005
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
FOR ALL U MOTHERS and-TO-BE's...
Being a mother
We are sitting at lunch when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family."
"We're taking a survey," she says, half-joking.
"Do you think I should have a baby?"
"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.
"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations...."
But that is not what I meant at all.
I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her.
I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.
I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking "What if that had been MY child?"
That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her.
That when she sees pictures of starving children,
she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.
I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is,
becoming a mother will reduce her to primitive level of a
bear protecting her cub.
That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.
I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood.
She might arrange for child care but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will
think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of her discipline to keep her from running home,
just to make sure her baby is all right.
I want my daughter to know that everyday decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma.
That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that rest-room.
However she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself.
That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child.
That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years - not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.
I want her to know that a Cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks..
I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child.
I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.
I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children's future.
I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike.
I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is
touching the soft fur of a dog or a cat for the first time.
I want her to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts.
My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes.
"You'll never regret it," I finally say.
Then I reach across the table, squeeze my daughter's hand and offer a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.
This blessed gift from God!
Being a Mother.
Please share this with a Mom that you know or all of your
Girlfriends who may someday be moms.
We are sitting at lunch when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family."
"We're taking a survey," she says, half-joking.
"Do you think I should have a baby?"
"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.
"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations...."
But that is not what I meant at all.
I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her.
I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.
I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking "What if that had been MY child?"
That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her.
That when she sees pictures of starving children,
she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.
I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is,
becoming a mother will reduce her to primitive level of a
bear protecting her cub.
That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.
I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood.
She might arrange for child care but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will
think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of her discipline to keep her from running home,
just to make sure her baby is all right.
I want my daughter to know that everyday decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma.
That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that rest-room.
However she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself.
That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child.
That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years - not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.
I want her to know that a Cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks..
I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child.
I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.
I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children's future.
I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike.
I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is
touching the soft fur of a dog or a cat for the first time.
I want her to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts.
My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes.
"You'll never regret it," I finally say.
Then I reach across the table, squeeze my daughter's hand and offer a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.
This blessed gift from God!
Being a Mother.
Please share this with a Mom that you know or all of your
Girlfriends who may someday be moms.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Two Travelling Angels Story!
Two Travelling Angels
Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night
in the home of a wealthy family.
The family was rude and refused to let the angels
stay in the mansion's guest room.
Instead the angels were given a small space
in the cold basement.
As they made their bed on the hard floor,
the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it.
When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied,
"Things aren't always what they seem."
The next night the pair came to rest at the house
of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife.
After sharing what little food they had the couple
let the angels sleep in their bed where they could
have a good night's rest.
When the sun came up the next morning the angels
found the farmer and his wife in tears.
Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole
income, lay dead in the field.
The younger angel was infuriated and asked the
older angel how could you have let this happen?
The first man had everything, yet you helped him,
she accused.
The second family had little but was willing to
share everything, and you let the cow die.
"Things aren't always what they seem,"
the older angel replied.
"When we stayed in the basement of the mansion,
I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall.
Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and
unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the
wall so he wouldn't find it."
"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed,
the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him
the cow instead.
Things aren't always what they seem."
Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things
don't turn out the way they should. If you have
faith, you just need to trust that every out come
is always to your advantage. You just might not
know it until some time later...
............................... Oooo
Some people ............. ( . )
come into our lives ..... ) /
and quickly go... ....... (_/
oooO
( . ) ............... Some people
.\ ( ............ become friends
. \_) .......... and stay awhile....
leaving beautiful ........ Oooo
footprints on our ........ ( . )
hearts... ..................... ) /
................................. (_/
oooO
( . ) .................. and we are
.\ ( ........................... never
. \_) ........... quite the same
.................. because we have
........................ made a good
.................................. friend!!
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the present!
I think this is special...live and savor every moment...
This is not a dress rehearsal!
(\ ....... /)
( .\ __ /. )
( .. \()/ .. )
... ( / \ ) ............ TAKE THIS LITTLE ANGEL
..( / \/ \ ) ......... AND KEEP HER CLOSE TO YOU
..... / \ .............. SHE IS YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL
.... ( .. ) ............. SENT TO WATCH OVER YOU
Right Now...
-somebody is thinking of you.
-somebody is caring about you.
-somebody misses you
-somebody wants to talk to you.
-somebody wants to be with you.
-somebody hopes you aren't in trouble.
-somebody is thankful for the support you have provided.
-somebody wants to hold your hand.
-somebody hopes everything turns out all right.
-somebody wants you to be happy.
-somebody wants you to find him/her.
-somebody is celebrating your successes.
-somebody wants to give you a gift.
-somebody thinks that you ARE a gift.
-somebody loves you.
-somebody admires your strength.
-somebody is thinking of you and smiling.
-somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on.
Never take away anyone's hope.
That may be all they have.
Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night
in the home of a wealthy family.
The family was rude and refused to let the angels
stay in the mansion's guest room.
Instead the angels were given a small space
in the cold basement.
As they made their bed on the hard floor,
the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it.
When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied,
"Things aren't always what they seem."
The next night the pair came to rest at the house
of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife.
After sharing what little food they had the couple
let the angels sleep in their bed where they could
have a good night's rest.
When the sun came up the next morning the angels
found the farmer and his wife in tears.
Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole
income, lay dead in the field.
The younger angel was infuriated and asked the
older angel how could you have let this happen?
The first man had everything, yet you helped him,
she accused.
The second family had little but was willing to
share everything, and you let the cow die.
"Things aren't always what they seem,"
the older angel replied.
"When we stayed in the basement of the mansion,
I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall.
Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and
unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the
wall so he wouldn't find it."
"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed,
the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him
the cow instead.
Things aren't always what they seem."
Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things
don't turn out the way they should. If you have
faith, you just need to trust that every out come
is always to your advantage. You just might not
know it until some time later...
............................... Oooo
Some people ............. ( . )
come into our lives ..... ) /
and quickly go... ....... (_/
oooO
( . ) ............... Some people
.\ ( ............ become friends
. \_) .......... and stay awhile....
leaving beautiful ........ Oooo
footprints on our ........ ( . )
hearts... ..................... ) /
................................. (_/
oooO
( . ) .................. and we are
.\ ( ........................... never
. \_) ........... quite the same
.................. because we have
........................ made a good
.................................. friend!!
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the present!
I think this is special...live and savor every moment...
This is not a dress rehearsal!
(\ ....... /)
( .\ __ /. )
( .. \()/ .. )
... ( / \ ) ............ TAKE THIS LITTLE ANGEL
..( / \/ \ ) ......... AND KEEP HER CLOSE TO YOU
..... / \ .............. SHE IS YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL
.... ( .. ) ............. SENT TO WATCH OVER YOU
Right Now...
-somebody is thinking of you.
-somebody is caring about you.
-somebody misses you
-somebody wants to talk to you.
-somebody wants to be with you.
-somebody hopes you aren't in trouble.
-somebody is thankful for the support you have provided.
-somebody wants to hold your hand.
-somebody hopes everything turns out all right.
-somebody wants you to be happy.
-somebody wants you to find him/her.
-somebody is celebrating your successes.
-somebody wants to give you a gift.
-somebody thinks that you ARE a gift.
-somebody loves you.
-somebody admires your strength.
-somebody is thinking of you and smiling.
-somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on.
Never take away anyone's hope.
That may be all they have.
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