The time has finally come...
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them
to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up
the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Boy ain't this the truth!
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Monday, August 01, 2005
Monday, July 25, 2005
Marriage!
Married life is full of excitement and frustration.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends.
You order what you want,
and when you see what the other fellow has,
you wish you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal,
but some of them get married!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church
and found himself married.
A year later he muttered something in his sleep
and found himself divorced.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking;
the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China,
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends.
You order what you want,
and when you see what the other fellow has,
you wish you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal,
but some of them get married!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church
and found himself married.
A year later he muttered something in his sleep
and found himself divorced.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking;
the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China,
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Some Laws
Here are a few very important laws that one should be aware of:
Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number,
you never get an engaged one.
Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
the next morning you will have a flat tire.
O'Brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bell's Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Willoughby's Law:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work,
it will.
Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Breda's Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Owen's Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Howden's Law:
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox
Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number,
you never get an engaged one.
Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
the next morning you will have a flat tire.
O'Brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bell's Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Willoughby's Law:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work,
it will.
Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Breda's Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Owen's Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Howden's Law:
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox
Men are like....!!
Men are like....
1. Men are like Laxatives ... They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
1. Men are like Laxatives ... They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Friday, June 24, 2005
The sexy Fairy!?
This is hilarious!
1. Sex is a beauty treatment.
Scientific tests find that when women make love
they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen,
which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances
of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes
your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled
on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up.
It stretches and tones up just about every muscle
in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming
20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression.
It releases endorphins into the bloodstream,
producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with
a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex
perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world.
IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away.
Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth
and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches.
A lovemaking session can release the tension that
restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose.
Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat
asthma and hay fever.
1. Sex is a beauty treatment.
Scientific tests find that when women make love
they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen,
which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances
of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes
your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled
on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up.
It stretches and tones up just about every muscle
in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming
20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression.
It releases endorphins into the bloodstream,
producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with
a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex
perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world.
IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away.
Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth
and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches.
A lovemaking session can release the tension that
restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose.
Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat
asthma and hay fever.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers.
This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them.
That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.
(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches)
3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain get idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud.
Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh,
spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life,
is ourself. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county,
to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them,
at every opportunity.
This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them.
That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.
(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches)
3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain get idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud.
Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh,
spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life,
is ourself. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county,
to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them,
at every opportunity.
Friday, June 10, 2005
Holidays at the Cameron Highland * 7-9 June 2005
At beautiful garden of bungalow with the Tassies...
Paul and Meg Gilby.
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