Wishing
All FRIENDS and RELATIVES
A Happy & Prosperous
Year of the Dog.
Gong Xi Fa Cai ! Gong Xi ! Gong Xi !
Mei Wan * Kheng Loy
Su-Ann * Si Siew
2006
No 9 / KL Lim Home
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Gong Xi Fa Cai
Wishing
All FRIENDS and RELATIVES
A Happy & Prosperous
Year of the Dog.
Gong Xi Fa Cai ! Gong Xi ! Gong Xi !
Mei Wan * Kheng Loy
Su-Ann * Si Siew
2006
No 9 / KL Lim Home
Monday, January 23, 2006
The Story of the 5 Surgeons
FIVE SURGEONS
Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says,
"I like to see accountants on my operating table
Because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds,
"Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything Inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says,
"No, I really think librarians are the best;
Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in:
"You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the End, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all Wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no Balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arse are
Interchangeable."
Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says,
"I like to see accountants on my operating table
Because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds,
"Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything Inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says,
"No, I really think librarians are the best;
Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in:
"You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the End, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all Wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no Balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arse are
Interchangeable."
Thursday, January 19, 2006
HOW TO STAY YOUNG!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG !
Remember, there is no way you can look as bad as that person on your drivers license.
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
11. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Humpty Dumpty was pushed!
Remember, there is no way you can look as bad as that person on your drivers license.
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
11. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Humpty Dumpty was pushed!
20 tips for the New Year
20 tips for the New Year
1* DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favouritetuneand hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
2* CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.
3* RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
4* DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
5* WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
6* MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and postittoyourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
7* EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
8* ALCOHOL: Makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
9* MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
10* GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending $50 to yourself by NZ Post.
11* BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
12* DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
13* PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In themorning, simply move it all back again.
14* CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
15* DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help'; simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
16* MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilstdriving.Simply pop you're mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
17* SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside a supermarket with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
18* BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
19* ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
20* McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so theyblend inwith the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
1* DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favouritetuneand hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
2* CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.
3* RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
4* DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
5* WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
6* MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and postittoyourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
7* EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
8* ALCOHOL: Makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
9* MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
10* GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending $50 to yourself by NZ Post.
11* BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
12* DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
13* PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In themorning, simply move it all back again.
14* CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
15* DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help'; simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
16* MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilstdriving.Simply pop you're mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
17* SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside a supermarket with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
18* BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
19* ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
20* McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so theyblend inwith the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Why Ladies today are still Single?
Top reasons why ladies today are still single!
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
"Men are like a fine wine.
They all start out like grapes,
and it's our job to stomp on them
and keep them in the dark
until they mature into something
you'd like to have dinner with."
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN
WHO NEED A LAUGH
AND TO THE GUYS
YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
"Men are like a fine wine.
They all start out like grapes,
and it's our job to stomp on them
and keep them in the dark
until they mature into something
you'd like to have dinner with."
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN
WHO NEED A LAUGH
AND TO THE GUYS
YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
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