The Answers We Have All Been Waiting For:
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: IT'S BRAILLE FOR SUCK HERE.
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: IT IS THE SAME AS A FRENCH KISS, BUT ONLY DOWN UNDER.
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: MELT THEM DOWN, MAKE A TIRE, AND CALL IT A GOODYEAR.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE ANY BALLS TO SCRATCH.
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...
Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: WHEN THEY COME THEY'RE WILD AND WET, BUT WHEN THEY GO, THEY TAKE YOUR HOUSE AND CAR WITH THEM.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Woman's world
WOMEN'S REVENGE:
"Cash, cheque card or charge-card?" I asked, after folding
up the items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (FROM A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE):
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid
of a spider.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND:
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS:
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION:
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and beautiful all at the same time.
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT:
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in
the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me "
The wife fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"
THE SILENT TREATMENT:
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at
5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece!
"Cash, cheque card or charge-card?" I asked, after folding
up the items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (FROM A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE):
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid
of a spider.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND:
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS:
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION:
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and beautiful all at the same time.
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT:
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in
the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me "
The wife fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"
THE SILENT TREATMENT:
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at
5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece!
Saturday, October 22, 2005
BE THANKFUL!
I am Thankful:
FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.
FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME,
NOT ON THE STREETS.
FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM EMPLOYED.
FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS
FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.
FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.
FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE A HOME.
FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS
WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH..
FOR THE PARKING SPOT
I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING
AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.
FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM WARM.
FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
WHO SINGS OFF KEY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR.
FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.
FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES
AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN
CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.
FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.
AND FINALLY,
FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.
Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!
FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.
FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME,
NOT ON THE STREETS.
FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM EMPLOYED.
FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS
FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.
FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.
FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE A HOME.
FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS
WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH..
FOR THE PARKING SPOT
I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING
AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.
FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM WARM.
FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
WHO SINGS OFF KEY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR.
FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.
FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES
AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN
CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.
FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.
AND FINALLY,
FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.
Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!
Friday, October 21, 2005
Typoglycemia!
Yes, the paragraph below sure looks weird!
Believe it or not, you can read it
Just TRY reading!
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn 't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia!
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!
Believe it or not, you can read it
Just TRY reading!
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn 't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia!
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!
Friday, October 14, 2005
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
STRESS MANAGEMENT!
Stress Management....
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "how heavy is this glass of water?"
Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it."
"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. Relax... pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!
And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* Never buy a car you can't push.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today...
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "how heavy is this glass of water?"
Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it."
"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. Relax... pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!
And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* Never buy a car you can't push.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today...
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Friday, October 07, 2005
Why Golf Is Better Than Sex!
Letterman's Top Ten Reasons why Golf Is Better Than Sex:
#10 - A below par performance is considered damn good.
# 9 - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
# 8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
# 7 - Foursomes are encouraged.
# 6 - You can still make money doing it as a senior.
# 5 - Three times a day is possible.
# 4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
# 3 - If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
# 2 - You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the # 1 - reason why Golf is better than Sex...
If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.
In the winter, A bad day in Florida is better
then a good day, almost anywhere else !
"Have A Nice Day"
#10 - A below par performance is considered damn good.
# 9 - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
# 8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
# 7 - Foursomes are encouraged.
# 6 - You can still make money doing it as a senior.
# 5 - Three times a day is possible.
# 4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
# 3 - If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
# 2 - You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the # 1 - reason why Golf is better than Sex...
If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.
In the winter, A bad day in Florida is better
then a good day, almost anywhere else !
"Have A Nice Day"
Thursday, October 06, 2005
You Know You Are MALAYSIAN
You know you are Malaysian.....
You complain about the quality of the pirated DVD you just purchased. "What, RM10 for DVD5?! Aiyah, boss ... sound no good, cheaper lah ..."
You're willing to consume sambal petai and durian and gladly suffer the bloating and wind-breaking incidents.
You're exceedingly polite to the Mat Sallehs but you slag your own kind. "Hello, sir. Why don't you sit here, it's got the best view of the city skyline." But, "Aunty-ah, your table is over there next to the kitchen."
You order Maggi goreng and fried chicken, complain about how oily the food is, and then proceed to finish it anyway.
You love to talk about food. You're already thinking about what to have for dinner while eating lunch. "I'm stuffed. What shall we have for dinner?"
You dive into a communal-style meal the moment the dish lands on the table only to hesitate at the last morsel of food on the serving dish. There are
two possible explanations for this: the first is the pai seh (embarrassed) factor, while the other is the myth that the person who eats the last piece will be a spinster.
You hit the accelerator the moment the first drop of rain hits your windshield. "Alamak, it's going to rain. Sure traffic jam one. I'd better drive faster."
You seize the opportunity to make a U-turn anywhere ... especially where there is a sign telling you not to. Well, so long as the cops aren't in sight.
You feel a burning desire to send text messages and even have the gall to give your friend a blow-by-blow account of the movie to your friend on the
handphone during the screening of the movie. "Okay, now that girl Lizzie is impersonating an Italian singer; she so doesn't look Italian ..."
You forsake your loved ones for the all-important four letter-word: S-A-L-E. "Sorry, mum, I can't take you to Aunt Mary's because I have to go to MidValley before the crowd. "You're also more than happy to be part of the insane traffic jam that forms around malls during weekends and sale
periods.
Reality shows Akademi Fantasia and Malaysian Idol dictate your social life. "What, no TV at the mamak? Count me out ? I'm staying home. Rinie needs my support."
You pepper every sentence with lah. "No-lah, I can't see you today-lah. I have to study-lah. You know-lah, the prison warden aka mak is watching me like a hawk"
You fail to function normally without your daily dose of teh tarik and nasi lemak.
You have owned at least one Proton in your lifetime. Cheap, cheap. That is until you start to make enough dough to buy that Honda you've been salivating over.
You slow down at an accident site to take down the car number plate, but won't step out of your car to help...the victim could be a robber!
You'd rather park your car along the main road outside the mall, where there's a yellow line, rather than pay RM1 to park inside where there are
adequate bays.
You plead, bat your eyelids and relate a sob story to the officer at the town council office to let you off the hook (or reduce the amount considerably) for the fine you incurred when you parked your car on the double line.
You make an appointment for 10am and conveniently show up a half hour late. Malaysian time, what ...
You pop open the wet tissue packet at the Chinese restaurant by squeezing the trapped air to the top of the packet before proceeding to smash your fist into it. The louder the pop the better.
You greet your friend / neighbor / acquaintance on the street with "How are things?" or "Have you eaten?" or better yet, by stating the obvious:
"Went to market ah?"
Ramlee burger is the "piece de resistance" of your growing-up-years cuisine.
You catch all major televised events at the mamak.
You have roughly six meals a day (breakfast, mid-morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner and supper). Then there's the snacking...keropok ikan, pisang goreng, muruku, jam tarts and the like.
You get the whole family dressed to the nines, jump into the car and head for the minister's open house and ask for styrofoam boxes and plastic bags to tar pau food.
Your accent and language style vary according to the race of the person you are conversing with.
You've got a friendly disposition. Smiles are abundant and your "Apa khabar?" is warm and sincere.
You exclaim loudly how expensive everything is, even though the items may in fact be going for a steal. "Wah! So expensive, ah? Hak sei ngor (Scare me to death)!"
You dig deep into your pockets to contribute to the latest appeal for donations in the newspapers.
You "dis" our country all the time, but as soon as something good happens (like winning the Thomas Cup), you morph into a proud Malaysian.
You never travel abroad without a bottle of chilli sauce, or sachets which you can sneak into restaurants.
You're proud to be Malaysian - and you pass these jokes on to all your Malaysian friends!
You complain about the quality of the pirated DVD you just purchased. "What, RM10 for DVD5?! Aiyah, boss ... sound no good, cheaper lah ..."
You're willing to consume sambal petai and durian and gladly suffer the bloating and wind-breaking incidents.
You're exceedingly polite to the Mat Sallehs but you slag your own kind. "Hello, sir. Why don't you sit here, it's got the best view of the city skyline." But, "Aunty-ah, your table is over there next to the kitchen."
You order Maggi goreng and fried chicken, complain about how oily the food is, and then proceed to finish it anyway.
You love to talk about food. You're already thinking about what to have for dinner while eating lunch. "I'm stuffed. What shall we have for dinner?"
You dive into a communal-style meal the moment the dish lands on the table only to hesitate at the last morsel of food on the serving dish. There are
two possible explanations for this: the first is the pai seh (embarrassed) factor, while the other is the myth that the person who eats the last piece will be a spinster.
You hit the accelerator the moment the first drop of rain hits your windshield. "Alamak, it's going to rain. Sure traffic jam one. I'd better drive faster."
You seize the opportunity to make a U-turn anywhere ... especially where there is a sign telling you not to. Well, so long as the cops aren't in sight.
You feel a burning desire to send text messages and even have the gall to give your friend a blow-by-blow account of the movie to your friend on the
handphone during the screening of the movie. "Okay, now that girl Lizzie is impersonating an Italian singer; she so doesn't look Italian ..."
You forsake your loved ones for the all-important four letter-word: S-A-L-E. "Sorry, mum, I can't take you to Aunt Mary's because I have to go to MidValley before the crowd. "You're also more than happy to be part of the insane traffic jam that forms around malls during weekends and sale
periods.
Reality shows Akademi Fantasia and Malaysian Idol dictate your social life. "What, no TV at the mamak? Count me out ? I'm staying home. Rinie needs my support."
You pepper every sentence with lah. "No-lah, I can't see you today-lah. I have to study-lah. You know-lah, the prison warden aka mak is watching me like a hawk"
You fail to function normally without your daily dose of teh tarik and nasi lemak.
You have owned at least one Proton in your lifetime. Cheap, cheap. That is until you start to make enough dough to buy that Honda you've been salivating over.
You slow down at an accident site to take down the car number plate, but won't step out of your car to help...the victim could be a robber!
You'd rather park your car along the main road outside the mall, where there's a yellow line, rather than pay RM1 to park inside where there are
adequate bays.
You plead, bat your eyelids and relate a sob story to the officer at the town council office to let you off the hook (or reduce the amount considerably) for the fine you incurred when you parked your car on the double line.
You make an appointment for 10am and conveniently show up a half hour late. Malaysian time, what ...
You pop open the wet tissue packet at the Chinese restaurant by squeezing the trapped air to the top of the packet before proceeding to smash your fist into it. The louder the pop the better.
You greet your friend / neighbor / acquaintance on the street with "How are things?" or "Have you eaten?" or better yet, by stating the obvious:
"Went to market ah?"
Ramlee burger is the "piece de resistance" of your growing-up-years cuisine.
You catch all major televised events at the mamak.
You have roughly six meals a day (breakfast, mid-morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner and supper). Then there's the snacking...keropok ikan, pisang goreng, muruku, jam tarts and the like.
You get the whole family dressed to the nines, jump into the car and head for the minister's open house and ask for styrofoam boxes and plastic bags to tar pau food.
Your accent and language style vary according to the race of the person you are conversing with.
You've got a friendly disposition. Smiles are abundant and your "Apa khabar?" is warm and sincere.
You exclaim loudly how expensive everything is, even though the items may in fact be going for a steal. "Wah! So expensive, ah? Hak sei ngor (Scare me to death)!"
You dig deep into your pockets to contribute to the latest appeal for donations in the newspapers.
You "dis" our country all the time, but as soon as something good happens (like winning the Thomas Cup), you morph into a proud Malaysian.
You never travel abroad without a bottle of chilli sauce, or sachets which you can sneak into restaurants.
You're proud to be Malaysian - and you pass these jokes on to all your Malaysian friends!
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Monday, October 03, 2005
America vs. Malaysia!!!
America vs. Malaysia....
US: We have mocha
MY: We have "NesLo"
US: We have cappucino
MY: We have teh tarik
US: We have pancake
MY: We have roticanai
US: We have the Golden Gate
MY: We have the Penang Bridge
US: We have "Star Spangled Banner"
MY: We have "Jalur Gemilang"
US: Damn it! What do you have that we don't?
MY: We still have our TwinTOWERS! You've lost yours!
US: We have mocha
MY: We have "NesLo"
US: We have cappucino
MY: We have teh tarik
US: We have pancake
MY: We have roticanai
US: We have the Golden Gate
MY: We have the Penang Bridge
US: We have "Star Spangled Banner"
MY: We have "Jalur Gemilang"
US: Damn it! What do you have that we don't?
MY: We still have our TwinTOWERS! You've lost yours!
Sunday, October 02, 2005
How to choose a bride!?
How to choose a bride.....Malaysian style!!!
A mother was very concerned that her middle-aged son has not shown the slightest indication of getting married.
So one day she called him over to her house.
The son came home from work, grudgingly.
Upon arriving, he found that his mother had gathered a few beautiful ladies at the house for him to choose as his future bride.
The first one was a well-endowed telephonist
-cum-receptionist.
He immediately commented that: "Aiyaa... mother, they always say.... PLEASE HOLD ON, HOLD ON....."
The second nominee was a leggy secretary.
She was also rejected.
Reason being: "Aiyaa... mother, this one aaa..., secretary always fond of saying "PLEASE SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN...."
By this time, the mother is nearing frustration.
She called a sweet but plain-looking teacher.
The son suddenly agreed!!
The mother was surprised and asked: "Why this one? The earlier two were a lot more better looking!"
He replied: "Teachers aaa.... teachers very good, very good, always say: PLEASE REPEAT, DO IT AGAIN, I Want it done 10 times.... SOME MORE, SOME MORE..!"
Now come the small naughty hero. Her youngest son (10 years old), was listening quietly all this while at the other end of the room.
Suddenly, he shouted "Brother.... female mini bus conductor much better laa.... they always say..."NAIK CEPAT, NAIK CEPAT... MASUK, MASUK.... MASUK LAGI, DALAM LAGI...
DALAM LAGILAAAAH, MASUK BELAKANG.... BELAKANG LAGI, BELAKANG BANYAK KOSONG!..........."
The mother fainted....Haha!
A mother was very concerned that her middle-aged son has not shown the slightest indication of getting married.
So one day she called him over to her house.
The son came home from work, grudgingly.
Upon arriving, he found that his mother had gathered a few beautiful ladies at the house for him to choose as his future bride.
The first one was a well-endowed telephonist
-cum-receptionist.
He immediately commented that: "Aiyaa... mother, they always say.... PLEASE HOLD ON, HOLD ON....."
The second nominee was a leggy secretary.
She was also rejected.
Reason being: "Aiyaa... mother, this one aaa..., secretary always fond of saying "PLEASE SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN...."
By this time, the mother is nearing frustration.
She called a sweet but plain-looking teacher.
The son suddenly agreed!!
The mother was surprised and asked: "Why this one? The earlier two were a lot more better looking!"
He replied: "Teachers aaa.... teachers very good, very good, always say: PLEASE REPEAT, DO IT AGAIN, I Want it done 10 times.... SOME MORE, SOME MORE..!"
Now come the small naughty hero. Her youngest son (10 years old), was listening quietly all this while at the other end of the room.
Suddenly, he shouted "Brother.... female mini bus conductor much better laa.... they always say..."NAIK CEPAT, NAIK CEPAT... MASUK, MASUK.... MASUK LAGI, DALAM LAGI...
DALAM LAGILAAAAH, MASUK BELAKANG.... BELAKANG LAGI, BELAKANG BANYAK KOSONG!..........."
The mother fainted....Haha!
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