Letter To My Friend - ALCOHOL!

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
My friend, you always seem to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game,
and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside
chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck
in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my
best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has
led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance
or necessity takes place after 2 a.m.
Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends
when I know for a fact they do not want to hear
from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good! meal,
but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce,
along with a large battered sausage and some stale chips
(washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat
after a few cheese curls & chilli cheese chips)?
I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need
to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down.
It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks
that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds
to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop.
This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance
for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order,
but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable!
My entire day is shot.
I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)
prior to going to sleep/passing out face down
on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,
the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere
with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship
for some years now & would like to ensure
that we remain on good terms.
You've been the invoker of great stories,
the provocation for much laughter,
and the needed companion when I just don't know
what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
review my grievances above & address them immediately.
I look forward to an answer no later than Thursday 3pm
(pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully
we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan.