White Beauty! Smell great too!
Monday, May 02, 2005
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Benefits of Aging!
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then , just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
----------------------------------------
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me ...
your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
-----------------------------------------
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for
------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.
--------------------------------------------
How old would you be
if you didn't know how old you are?
----------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill
without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.
--------------- -------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so grey
and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
------------------------------------ ----------
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
--------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
------------------------------ -------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft..
Today, it's called golf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A WELL PLANNED LIFE????
Two women met for the first time since graduating
from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized
in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? "
" Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked,
"What do those marriages have to do with a well
planned life?"
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then , just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
----------------------------------------
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me ...
your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
-----------------------------------------
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for
------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.
--------------------------------------------
How old would you be
if you didn't know how old you are?
----------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill
without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.
--------------- -------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so grey
and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
------------------------------------ ----------
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
--------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
------------------------------ -------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft..
Today, it's called golf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A WELL PLANNED LIFE????
Two women met for the first time since graduating
from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized
in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? "
" Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked,
"What do those marriages have to do with a well
planned life?"
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."
American History!
Some General Knowledge on American History!
Who said these Phases?
"Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
Patrick Henry, 1775
"Government of the People, by the People,
for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Abraham Lincoln, 1863
"F**k the Japs"
Lee Iacocca, 1982
"I'm gonna puke"
George Bush [Sr.] to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991
"Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997
"You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
California Congressman Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.
"Oh shit, we're f**ked!"
Americans, in Iraq, 2004
Who said these Phases?
"Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
Patrick Henry, 1775
"Government of the People, by the People,
for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Abraham Lincoln, 1863
"F**k the Japs"
Lee Iacocca, 1982
"I'm gonna puke"
George Bush [Sr.] to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991
"Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997
"You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
California Congressman Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.
"Oh shit, we're f**ked!"
Americans, in Iraq, 2004
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Bravery!
Definition of Bravery:
True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk
after a very late night out with the boys.
Being met at the door and assaulted with
a broom by your wife . . .. and still having the guts to ask:
"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"
True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk
after a very late night out with the boys.
Being met at the door and assaulted with
a broom by your wife . . .. and still having the guts to ask:
"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Marriage Fun!
Marriage - I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady
and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell
you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when
I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a
hard time about it. Those are my rules.
Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex here
at seven o'clock every night
.............whether you're here or not."
(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)
***
Marriage - II
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day
of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells,
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever"
"Yeah?" she replies.
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
***
Marriage - III
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight
at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says,
"And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty
and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings,
and the irritated husband says,
"what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
***
Marriage - IV
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself,
that he starts calling his wife,
"Mother of Six" inspite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party.
The man decides that it's time to go home and wants
to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice,
"Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
***
Marriage - V The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at
home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence
(and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had
missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go
and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
***
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady
and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell
you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when
I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a
hard time about it. Those are my rules.
Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex here
at seven o'clock every night
.............whether you're here or not."
(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)
***
Marriage - II
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day
of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells,
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever"
"Yeah?" she replies.
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
***
Marriage - III
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight
at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says,
"And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty
and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings,
and the irritated husband says,
"what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
***
Marriage - IV
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself,
that he starts calling his wife,
"Mother of Six" inspite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party.
The man decides that it's time to go home and wants
to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice,
"Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
***
Marriage - V The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at
home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence
(and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had
missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go
and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
***
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Letter To My Friend - ALCOHOL!
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
My friend, you always seem to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game,
and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside
chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck
in the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my
best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has
led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance
or necessity takes place after 2 a.m.
Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends
when I know for a fact they do not want to hear
from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good! meal,
but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce,
along with a large battered sausage and some stale chips
(washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat
after a few cheese curls & chilli cheese chips)?
I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need
to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down.
It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks
that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds
to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop.
This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance
for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order,
but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable!
My entire day is shot.
I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)
prior to going to sleep/passing out face down
on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,
the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere
with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship
for some years now & would like to ensure
that we remain on good terms.
You've been the invoker of great stories,
the provocation for much laughter,
and the needed companion when I just don't know
what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
review my grievances above & address them immediately.
I look forward to an answer no later than Thursday 3pm
(pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully
we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan.
WHEN DRUNK!!!
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Globalization!
Question:
What is the truest definition
of
Globalization?
Answer:
Answer:
Princess Diana's death.
Question:
Question:
How come?
Answer:
Answer:
An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an American,
using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends,
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an American,
using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends,
is
Globalization
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE:
Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.
How long a Minute is,
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.
Ever notice that the People who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?
Most of us go to our Grave
with our music still inside of us.
If Jayajusco is lowering Prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one Person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.
Some Mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.
Don't cry because it's Over;
smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from Crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly Happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Have an awesome day!
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.
How long a Minute is,
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.
Ever notice that the People who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?
Most of us go to our Grave
with our music still inside of us.
If Jayajusco is lowering Prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one Person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.
Some Mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.
Don't cry because it's Over;
smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from Crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly Happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Have an awesome day!
Monday, April 18, 2005
BEER: Healthy, up to a point!
Breaking News on Food & Beverage Development.
The UK’s Advertising Standards Authority has warned a British brewer against advertising its beer as a healthy, nutritious food.
An ad for Gales Best beer, made by Hampshire-based George Gale & Co, was headlined
‘Food for Thought’
and followed by a quotation from Brewing Research International that said:
‘Beer is an all round food containing a balanced package of nutrients and minerals and can be considered to make a positive contribution to a healthy diet’.
The reverse of the beer mat had the slogan,
‘VITAMIN Beer ... I'll drink to that’
beneath four beer brand labels.
While there is some evidence to suggest that a small, regular intake of beer may help prevent heart disease, researchers are not sure whether it is the alcohol, and its anti-inflammatory effect, or the nutrients within the beverage that work to cut the health risk.
George Gale claimed that it used natural ingredients only and believed strongly that they were a producer of high quality wholesome products. The company submitted a review paper concerning the nutritional content of beer.
However, the Authority noted that alcohol inhibited the uptake of several vitamins and minerals. Although the advertisers had shown that beer contained several vitamins and minerals, because they had not proven that beer had the nutritional benefits claimed in the advertisement, the advertisement was deemed misleading.
George Gale said it had not printed any new point of sale material, and the campaign would be discontinued. The Authority advised the advertisers to seek advice from the Committee of Advertising Practice Copy Advice team before using this approach again.
The UK’s Advertising Standards Authority has warned a British brewer against advertising its beer as a healthy, nutritious food.
An ad for Gales Best beer, made by Hampshire-based George Gale & Co, was headlined
‘Food for Thought’
and followed by a quotation from Brewing Research International that said:
‘Beer is an all round food containing a balanced package of nutrients and minerals and can be considered to make a positive contribution to a healthy diet’.
The reverse of the beer mat had the slogan,
‘VITAMIN Beer ... I'll drink to that’
beneath four beer brand labels.
While there is some evidence to suggest that a small, regular intake of beer may help prevent heart disease, researchers are not sure whether it is the alcohol, and its anti-inflammatory effect, or the nutrients within the beverage that work to cut the health risk.
George Gale claimed that it used natural ingredients only and believed strongly that they were a producer of high quality wholesome products. The company submitted a review paper concerning the nutritional content of beer.
However, the Authority noted that alcohol inhibited the uptake of several vitamins and minerals. Although the advertisers had shown that beer contained several vitamins and minerals, because they had not proven that beer had the nutritional benefits claimed in the advertisement, the advertisement was deemed misleading.
George Gale said it had not printed any new point of sale material, and the campaign would be discontinued. The Authority advised the advertisers to seek advice from the Committee of Advertising Practice Copy Advice team before using this approach again.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)