Beautiful Beer!
Monday, October 03, 2005
Sunday, October 02, 2005
How to choose a bride!?
How to choose a bride.....Malaysian style!!!
A mother was very concerned that her middle-aged son has not shown the slightest indication of getting married.
So one day she called him over to her house.
The son came home from work, grudgingly.
Upon arriving, he found that his mother had gathered a few beautiful ladies at the house for him to choose as his future bride.
The first one was a well-endowed telephonist
-cum-receptionist.
He immediately commented that: "Aiyaa... mother, they always say.... PLEASE HOLD ON, HOLD ON....."
The second nominee was a leggy secretary.
She was also rejected.
Reason being: "Aiyaa... mother, this one aaa..., secretary always fond of saying "PLEASE SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN...."
By this time, the mother is nearing frustration.
She called a sweet but plain-looking teacher.
The son suddenly agreed!!
The mother was surprised and asked: "Why this one? The earlier two were a lot more better looking!"
He replied: "Teachers aaa.... teachers very good, very good, always say: PLEASE REPEAT, DO IT AGAIN, I Want it done 10 times.... SOME MORE, SOME MORE..!"
Now come the small naughty hero. Her youngest son (10 years old), was listening quietly all this while at the other end of the room.
Suddenly, he shouted "Brother.... female mini bus conductor much better laa.... they always say..."NAIK CEPAT, NAIK CEPAT... MASUK, MASUK.... MASUK LAGI, DALAM LAGI...
DALAM LAGILAAAAH, MASUK BELAKANG.... BELAKANG LAGI, BELAKANG BANYAK KOSONG!..........."
The mother fainted....Haha!
A mother was very concerned that her middle-aged son has not shown the slightest indication of getting married.
So one day she called him over to her house.
The son came home from work, grudgingly.
Upon arriving, he found that his mother had gathered a few beautiful ladies at the house for him to choose as his future bride.
The first one was a well-endowed telephonist
-cum-receptionist.
He immediately commented that: "Aiyaa... mother, they always say.... PLEASE HOLD ON, HOLD ON....."
The second nominee was a leggy secretary.
She was also rejected.
Reason being: "Aiyaa... mother, this one aaa..., secretary always fond of saying "PLEASE SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN...."
By this time, the mother is nearing frustration.
She called a sweet but plain-looking teacher.
The son suddenly agreed!!
The mother was surprised and asked: "Why this one? The earlier two were a lot more better looking!"
He replied: "Teachers aaa.... teachers very good, very good, always say: PLEASE REPEAT, DO IT AGAIN, I Want it done 10 times.... SOME MORE, SOME MORE..!"
Now come the small naughty hero. Her youngest son (10 years old), was listening quietly all this while at the other end of the room.
Suddenly, he shouted "Brother.... female mini bus conductor much better laa.... they always say..."NAIK CEPAT, NAIK CEPAT... MASUK, MASUK.... MASUK LAGI, DALAM LAGI...
DALAM LAGILAAAAH, MASUK BELAKANG.... BELAKANG LAGI, BELAKANG BANYAK KOSONG!..........."
The mother fainted....Haha!
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
OWLS.....Older Wiser Laughing Souls
Wisdom from Grandpa.
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg,
or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick
he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man
gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better,
or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one;
but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife
like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey,
you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'.
No wife of mine is gonna work."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook,
sew, and make beds and is in good health,
and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop
lying about your age and start bragging about it.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg,
or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick
he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man
gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better,
or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one;
but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife
like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey,
you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'.
No wife of mine is gonna work."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook,
sew, and make beds and is in good health,
and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop
lying about your age and start bragging about it.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Are You CHINESE?
28 + 4 ways to know if you're Chinese
1. You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save
and reuse the wrapping (and especially those ribbons).
2. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy
100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the
bedroom of an adult child who has move out.
3. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.
4. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin
containers. You use the grocery bags to hold
garbage.
5. You hate to waste food:
a ) Even if you're totally full, if someone says
they're going to throw away the leftovers on the
table, you'll finish them.
(Your mom will give a lecture about starving kids
in Africa)
b ) You have Tupperware in your fridge with three
bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.
6. You don't own any real Tupperware - only a
cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine
tubs, take out containers, and jam jars.
7. You have a collection of minature shampoo
bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
8. You wipe your plate and utensils or wash them in
a small basin of hot water before you eat every time
you go to a restaurant.
9. You own a rice cooker and a slow cooker.
10. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before
cooking it.
11. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill.
12. You have a teacup with a cover on it.
13. If you're under age 20, you own a really
expensive walkman if you're over 20, you own a
really expensive camera.
14. You're a wok user.
15. You only make long distance calls after 7pm.
16. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs
still attached - it means they're fresh.
17. You never call your parents just to say hi.
18. If you don't live at home, when your parents
call, they'll ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
19. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay
inside when you get sick. They also tell you not to
eat fried foods or baked goods because they're heaty
(yeet hay in Cantonese).
20. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even
though you only sit 10 feet apart.
21. You always cook too much.
22. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl,
but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.
23. You starve yourself before going to all you can
eat buffet.
24. You know someone who can get you a good deal on
jewelry or electronics, computers.
25. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
26. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
27. You know why this list consists of only "28"reasons.
28. You take this message and forward it to all your Chinese friends.
***
There are four more indications that you need to add (28+4):
29. You wrap with napkins all the knives, spoons
and forks of the airline that you fly on and put in
your travelbag as souvenirs.
30. You never forget to take with you all the
unused bath and facial tissues when you check out
from the hotel because you believe that you have paid
its all.
31. You will laugh at yourself when you read all of them.
32. And you will always be proud because you're chinese.
1. You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save
and reuse the wrapping (and especially those ribbons).
2. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy
100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the
bedroom of an adult child who has move out.
3. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.
4. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin
containers. You use the grocery bags to hold
garbage.
5. You hate to waste food:
a ) Even if you're totally full, if someone says
they're going to throw away the leftovers on the
table, you'll finish them.
(Your mom will give a lecture about starving kids
in Africa)
b ) You have Tupperware in your fridge with three
bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.
6. You don't own any real Tupperware - only a
cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine
tubs, take out containers, and jam jars.
7. You have a collection of minature shampoo
bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
8. You wipe your plate and utensils or wash them in
a small basin of hot water before you eat every time
you go to a restaurant.
9. You own a rice cooker and a slow cooker.
10. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before
cooking it.
11. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill.
12. You have a teacup with a cover on it.
13. If you're under age 20, you own a really
expensive walkman if you're over 20, you own a
really expensive camera.
14. You're a wok user.
15. You only make long distance calls after 7pm.
16. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs
still attached - it means they're fresh.
17. You never call your parents just to say hi.
18. If you don't live at home, when your parents
call, they'll ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
19. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay
inside when you get sick. They also tell you not to
eat fried foods or baked goods because they're heaty
(yeet hay in Cantonese).
20. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even
though you only sit 10 feet apart.
21. You always cook too much.
22. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl,
but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.
23. You starve yourself before going to all you can
eat buffet.
24. You know someone who can get you a good deal on
jewelry or electronics, computers.
25. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
26. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
27. You know why this list consists of only "28"reasons.
28. You take this message and forward it to all your Chinese friends.
***
There are four more indications that you need to add (28+4):
29. You wrap with napkins all the knives, spoons
and forks of the airline that you fly on and put in
your travelbag as souvenirs.
30. You never forget to take with you all the
unused bath and facial tissues when you check out
from the hotel because you believe that you have paid
its all.
31. You will laugh at yourself when you read all of them.
32. And you will always be proud because you're chinese.
Friday, September 23, 2005
Beauty of a Woman
~~ Beauty of a Woman ~~
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
The passion that she shows.
The beauty of a woman
With time, only grows..
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
The passion that she shows.
The beauty of a woman
With time, only grows..
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
The Benefits of a Challenge!
The Benefits of a Challenge
The more intelligent,
persistent and competent you are,
the more you enjoy a good problem.
If your challenges are the correct size,
and if you are steadily conquering those challenges,
you are happy.
You think of your challenges and get energized.
You are excited to try new solutions.
You have fun.
You are alive!
"Man thrives, oddly enough,
only in the presence of a challenging environment."
- L. Ron Hubbard
"Too Much Money"
As soon as you reach your goals,
such as finding a wonderful mate,
starting a successful company,
paying off your debts or whatever,
you might lose your passion.
You don't need to work so hard,
so you relax.
You experience the same problem as lottery winners
who waste their money,
wealthy heirs who never grow up
and bored homemakers
who get addicted to prescription drugs.
It was observed by L. Ron Hubbard in the early 1950's.
***
If there is light in the soul,
there will be beauty in the person.
If there is beauty in the person,
there will be harmony in the house.
If there is harmony in the house,
there will be order in the nation.
If there is order in the nation,
there will be peace in the world.
~ Chinese Proverb ~
As soon as you reach your goals,
such as finding a wonderful mate,
starting a successful company,
paying off your debts or whatever,
you might lose your passion.
You don't need to work so hard,
so you relax.
You experience the same problem as lottery winners
who waste their money,
wealthy heirs who never grow up
and bored homemakers
who get addicted to prescription drugs.
It was observed by L. Ron Hubbard in the early 1950's.
***
If there is light in the soul,
there will be beauty in the person.
If there is beauty in the person,
there will be harmony in the house.
If there is harmony in the house,
there will be order in the nation.
If there is order in the nation,
there will be peace in the world.
~ Chinese Proverb ~
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
.jpg)
Friday, September 16, 2005
Quality of Life!
Cup or Water?
A group of working adults got together to visit their
University lecturer. The Lecturer was happy to see
them. Conversation soon turned into complaints
about stress in work and life.
The Lecturer just smiled and went to the kitchen to get an assortment of cups - some porcelain, some in plastic,
some in glass, some plain looking and some looked rather
expensive and exquisite.
The Lecturer offered his former students the cups to
get drinks for themselves.
When all the students had a cup in hand with water,
the Lecturer spoke: "If you noticed, all the nice
looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind
the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal that you
only want the best for yourselves, that is the source
of your problems and stress. What all you wanted was
water, not the cup, but we unconsciously went for the
better cups."
"Just like in life, if Life is Water, then the jobs,
money and position in society are the cups. They are
just tools to hold or maintain Life, but the quality
of Life doesn't change."
"If we only concentrate on the cup, we won't have time
to enjoy the water in it."
A group of working adults got together to visit their
University lecturer. The Lecturer was happy to see
them. Conversation soon turned into complaints
about stress in work and life.
The Lecturer just smiled and went to the kitchen to get an assortment of cups - some porcelain, some in plastic,
some in glass, some plain looking and some looked rather
expensive and exquisite.
The Lecturer offered his former students the cups to
get drinks for themselves.
When all the students had a cup in hand with water,
the Lecturer spoke: "If you noticed, all the nice
looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind
the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal that you
only want the best for yourselves, that is the source
of your problems and stress. What all you wanted was
water, not the cup, but we unconsciously went for the
better cups."
"Just like in life, if Life is Water, then the jobs,
money and position in society are the cups. They are
just tools to hold or maintain Life, but the quality
of Life doesn't change."
"If we only concentrate on the cup, we won't have time
to enjoy the water in it."
***
IVGLDSW Day!
Today is
International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day!
And remember this motto to live by:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave
with the intention of arriving safely
in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways,
chocolate in one hand,
wine in the other,
body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming...
Damn,
What a ride!!
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Tired at end of each work day!?
Why are we so tired at the end of each work day?
Have you wonder why office staff is always dead tired?
They are tired by the end of the day and companies
require no further physical fitness programmes for their employees.
The reason is that EVERYONE gets enough exercise by:
1. Jumping to conclusion
2. Beating around the bush
3. Running down the boss
4. Going around the circles
5. Dragging their feet
6. Passing the buck
7. Climbing the ladder
8. Wading through paperwork
9. Pulling strings
10. Throwing their weight around
11. Stretching the truth
12. Bending the rules
13. Pushing their luck
NO WONDER THEY ARE ALL TIRED AT THE END OF A WORKING DAY!!
Have you wonder why office staff is always dead tired?
They are tired by the end of the day and companies
require no further physical fitness programmes for their employees.
The reason is that EVERYONE gets enough exercise by:
1. Jumping to conclusion
2. Beating around the bush
3. Running down the boss
4. Going around the circles
5. Dragging their feet
6. Passing the buck
7. Climbing the ladder
8. Wading through paperwork
9. Pulling strings
10. Throwing their weight around
11. Stretching the truth
12. Bending the rules
13. Pushing their luck
NO WONDER THEY ARE ALL TIRED AT THE END OF A WORKING DAY!!
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Bob Hope . . . and Smile
THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.
Bob Hope (1903 - 2003)
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring the referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
'Congratulations.You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed.
When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
Bob Hope (1903 - 2003)
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring the referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
'Congratulations.You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed.
When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
Friday, September 09, 2005
Thursday, September 08, 2005
SIX NAUGHTY MEN!
This is what they say:
1: he says.......take off your clothes!!
2: he says.......open wide!!
3: he says.......you want it in the front or the back??
4: he says.......you want teasing or blowing??
5: he says.......once it's in you'll love it!!
6: he says.......once it's out, you lose interest!!
Guess who are they!!!!!!!!!
They are:
1: A Doctor.....he says.......take off your clothes!!
2: A Dentist.....he says......open wide!!
3: The Milkman.....he says......you want it in the front or the back??
4: The Hairdresser.....he says.......you want teasing or blowing??
5: The Interior Designer.....he says.......once it's in you'll love it!!
6: The Banker.....he says.......once it's out, you'll lose interest!!
What are you thinking, huh?!
Naughty Naughty!!
1: he says.......take off your clothes!!
2: he says.......open wide!!
3: he says.......you want it in the front or the back??
4: he says.......you want teasing or blowing??
5: he says.......once it's in you'll love it!!
6: he says.......once it's out, you lose interest!!
Guess who are they!!!!!!!!!
They are:
1: A Doctor.....he says.......take off your clothes!!
2: A Dentist.....he says......open wide!!
3: The Milkman.....he says......you want it in the front or the back??
4: The Hairdresser.....he says.......you want teasing or blowing??
5: The Interior Designer.....he says.......once it's in you'll love it!!
6: The Banker.....he says.......once it's out, you'll lose interest!!
What are you thinking, huh?!
Naughty Naughty!!
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Monday, September 05, 2005
21st CENTURY LIFE LESS - NESS..!!
Our communication - Wireless
Our business - Cashless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our religion - Creedless
Our food - Fatless
Our faith - Godless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our commitment - Aimless
Our life - Meaningless
Our bosses - Hopeless
Our salary - Very less !!!!!!!!!!!!
Our business - Cashless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our religion - Creedless
Our food - Fatless
Our faith - Godless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our commitment - Aimless
Our life - Meaningless
Our bosses - Hopeless
Our salary - Very less !!!!!!!!!!!!
Men are like.....
1. Men are like Laxatives ... They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
**********************************************
GOLF
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented.
It was ruled "Gentlemen Only ... Ladies Forbidden"
... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
2. Men are like Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
**********************************************
GOLF
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented.
It was ruled "Gentlemen Only ... Ladies Forbidden"
... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Malaysians Vs Singaporeans
Malaysians Vs Singaporeans
A tongue-in-cheek comparison.
Malaysians and Singaporeans do have quite a bit in common. However, if you do pay attention, you might notice some distinguishing traits that might spell the difference between a true blue Malaysian and a die-hard Singaporean.
AT A BUFFET
Malaysian: Eats until he throws up.
Singaporean: Eats until he throws up, and then eats some more before 'tau pau' some home.
LAW & ORDER
Malaysian: Knows his laws, disobeys them and that's fine.
Singaporean: Knows his laws, disobeys them and gets fined
ECONOMY
Malaysian: Trade Union owned by rich, pretentious bastards who don't know the shit about the struggles of the working class.
Singaporean: Trade Union owned by the government.
MANNERS
Malaysian: Cuts a queue, feels guilty, tries to pretend nothing happened
Singaporean: Cuts a queue, feels guilty, tries to justify his motive.
("Actually hor, you know ah, I've been here already for very long, one!")
CUSTOMS
Malaysian: Attempts to smuggle drugs and tobacco into Singapore.
Singaporean: Attempts to smuggle Ramlee Burger into Singapore.
LEADERSHIP
Malaysian: Former Prime Minister retires and goes off to enjoy life while calling the shots from behind the scene.
Singaporean: Former Prime Minister retires... oh wait, no he doesn't.
INFRASTRUCTURE
Malaysian: Builds Twin Towers to symbolise what Malaysia is all about.
Singaporean: Builds Twin Metal-Spiked Balls for the same purpose.
CORRUPTION
Singaporean: Culprit begs policeman for leniency.
Malaysian: Policeman begs culprit for money.
POLITICS
Malaysian: Believes in a one-phantom-one-vote policy.
Singaporean: Lee Kuan Yew votes on behalf of the country.
CENSORSHIP
Singaporean: Allows adult films to be screened so long as patrons are of age and film possesses a certain aesthetic value.
Malaysian: Buy the VCD lah!
(buy one free two)
PATRIOTISM
Malaysian: Sings Malaysian National Anthem in Bahasa Malaysia.
Singaporean: Sings Singaporean National Anthem in Bahasa Malaysia.
A tongue-in-cheek comparison.
Malaysians and Singaporeans do have quite a bit in common. However, if you do pay attention, you might notice some distinguishing traits that might spell the difference between a true blue Malaysian and a die-hard Singaporean.
AT A BUFFET
Malaysian: Eats until he throws up.
Singaporean: Eats until he throws up, and then eats some more before 'tau pau' some home.
LAW & ORDER
Malaysian: Knows his laws, disobeys them and that's fine.
Singaporean: Knows his laws, disobeys them and gets fined
ECONOMY
Malaysian: Trade Union owned by rich, pretentious bastards who don't know the shit about the struggles of the working class.
Singaporean: Trade Union owned by the government.
MANNERS
Malaysian: Cuts a queue, feels guilty, tries to pretend nothing happened
Singaporean: Cuts a queue, feels guilty, tries to justify his motive.
("Actually hor, you know ah, I've been here already for very long, one!")
CUSTOMS
Malaysian: Attempts to smuggle drugs and tobacco into Singapore.
Singaporean: Attempts to smuggle Ramlee Burger into Singapore.
LEADERSHIP
Malaysian: Former Prime Minister retires and goes off to enjoy life while calling the shots from behind the scene.
Singaporean: Former Prime Minister retires... oh wait, no he doesn't.
INFRASTRUCTURE
Malaysian: Builds Twin Towers to symbolise what Malaysia is all about.
Singaporean: Builds Twin Metal-Spiked Balls for the same purpose.
CORRUPTION
Singaporean: Culprit begs policeman for leniency.
Malaysian: Policeman begs culprit for money.
POLITICS
Malaysian: Believes in a one-phantom-one-vote policy.
Singaporean: Lee Kuan Yew votes on behalf of the country.
CENSORSHIP
Singaporean: Allows adult films to be screened so long as patrons are of age and film possesses a certain aesthetic value.
Malaysian: Buy the VCD lah!
(buy one free two)
PATRIOTISM
Malaysian: Sings Malaysian National Anthem in Bahasa Malaysia.
Singaporean: Sings Singaporean National Anthem in Bahasa Malaysia.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Leave More than an Inheritance
For when he dies he shall carry nothing away;
His glory shall not descend after him.
Psalm 49:17
God encourages us to fix our eyes on the things that endure. In light of eternity, leaders cannot become consumed with the temporary.
Only a vision that outlives them, a vision connected to eternity, will fulfill a godly leader. In other words, we must build a legacy.
A huge difference exists between a legacy and an inheritance. Anyone can leave an inheritance.
An inheritance is something you leave to your family or loved ones. (It also fades.)
A legacy is something you leave in your family and loved ones.
Consider these differences:
Inheritance
1. Something you give to others
2. Temporarily brings them happiness
3. Eventually fades as it is spent
4. Your activity may or may not pay off
Legacy
1. Something you place in others
2. Permanently transforms them
3. Lives on long after you die
4. Your activity becomes achievement
The Maxwell Leadership Bible
His glory shall not descend after him.
Psalm 49:17
God encourages us to fix our eyes on the things that endure. In light of eternity, leaders cannot become consumed with the temporary.
Only a vision that outlives them, a vision connected to eternity, will fulfill a godly leader. In other words, we must build a legacy.
A huge difference exists between a legacy and an inheritance. Anyone can leave an inheritance.
An inheritance is something you leave to your family or loved ones. (It also fades.)
A legacy is something you leave in your family and loved ones.
Consider these differences:
Inheritance
1. Something you give to others
2. Temporarily brings them happiness
3. Eventually fades as it is spent
4. Your activity may or may not pay off
Legacy
1. Something you place in others
2. Permanently transforms them
3. Lives on long after you die
4. Your activity becomes achievement
The Maxwell Leadership Bible
Monday, August 29, 2005
Proof That The World is Nuts!
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with
animals, but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable
by death.
(Like THAT makes sense?)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a
woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly
at them during the examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
corpse. This also applies to undertakers.
The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a
brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel
the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them
for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden
for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere
else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare
hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand,
may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool,
England but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with
her husband, and the first time this happens,
her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex
with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had
to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending
machines with one exception:
Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only
"in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for
consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what?
Well . . . not as great as Guam!)
Banging your head against a wall
uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species
that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight,
can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over
on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ... ?
and did the government pay for this research??)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
And, the best for last:
Turtles can breathe through their butts. !
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Some of this I knew already,
and some I wish I hadn't found out !!
animals, but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable
by death.
(Like THAT makes sense?)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a
woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly
at them during the examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
corpse. This also applies to undertakers.
The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a
brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel
the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them
for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden
for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere
else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare
hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand,
may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool,
England but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with
her husband, and the first time this happens,
her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex
with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had
to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending
machines with one exception:
Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only
"in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for
consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what?
Well . . . not as great as Guam!)
Banging your head against a wall
uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species
that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight,
can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over
on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ... ?
and did the government pay for this research??)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
And, the best for last:
Turtles can breathe through their butts. !
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Some of this I knew already,
and some I wish I hadn't found out !!
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Friday, August 26, 2005
Stress Relievers Jokes!
Stress Reliever .. 1
Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.
Why ?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Stress Reliever ... 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries
or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
Stress Reliever .. 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning,
he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Stress Reliever ... 4
Wife to husband: " What's your excuse for coming home at this
time of the night?"
Husband to wife: " Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: " What ? At 2 am ? "
Husband to wife: " Yes, We used night clubs."
Stress Reliever ... 5
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me
if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO
MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
Stress Reliever ... 6
Father to son after exam: " Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Stress Reliever ... 7
" How was your blind date ? " a college student asked her roommate.
" Terrible ! " the roommate answered. " He showed up in his 1932
Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that ? "
"He was the original owner."
Stress Reliever .. 8
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
Stress Reliever .. 9
Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you
before you married her ?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
Stress Reliever ... 10
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
Stress Reliever ... 11
A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, if I can find a phone."
Stress Reliever ... 12
Man to wife on wedding night: "Are you sure I'm the first man you
are sleeping with?"
Wife replied: "Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!"
Stress Reliever .. 13
"Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S.?"
Answer: "Because people started licking the wrong side."
Stress Reliever .. 14
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my
pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."
Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.
Why ?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Stress Reliever ... 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries
or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
Stress Reliever .. 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning,
he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Stress Reliever ... 4
Wife to husband: " What's your excuse for coming home at this
time of the night?"
Husband to wife: " Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: " What ? At 2 am ? "
Husband to wife: " Yes, We used night clubs."
Stress Reliever ... 5
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me
if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO
MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
Stress Reliever ... 6
Father to son after exam: " Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Stress Reliever ... 7
" How was your blind date ? " a college student asked her roommate.
" Terrible ! " the roommate answered. " He showed up in his 1932
Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that ? "
"He was the original owner."
Stress Reliever .. 8
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
Stress Reliever .. 9
Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you
before you married her ?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
Stress Reliever ... 10
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
Stress Reliever ... 11
A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, if I can find a phone."
Stress Reliever ... 12
Man to wife on wedding night: "Are you sure I'm the first man you
are sleeping with?"
Wife replied: "Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!"
Stress Reliever .. 13
"Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S.?"
Answer: "Because people started licking the wrong side."
Stress Reliever .. 14
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my
pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Class of 1966 * Technical College, KL
L to R: Lee Min Yang * Lawrence Chan * KL Lim * P'ng Gek Leng * Ibrahim Hassan * Chew Tong Kim * Tay Kiam Seng * Chong Tet Shin * Chew Chee Sun
Monday, August 22, 2005
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Words Women Use!
Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".
Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!
Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".
Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!
Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
FUN Being A Malaysian!
NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR HAIR LOSS: Maggi Mee.
NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR BEING LATE: Traffic JAM.
NATIONAL CONDOM: None. Most Malaysians still feel
embarrassed buying condoms. So they rushed into a 7-11,
hurriedly grab the nearest pack, any pack,
pay and leave before the cashier can even blink an eye.
NATIONAL FRUIT FOR INDUCING MENSTRUATION: Pineapple.
NATIONAL APHRODISIAC DRINK: Stout. Many swear by
it. But after a few pints they start swearing at everything...
NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (MEN):
Food Poisoning.
NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (WOMEN): Menstrual Pain.
NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY WOMEN WHEN REFUSING SEX:
Headache, kids not asleep, maid not asleep, mother-in-law around, early appointment, food not digested yet, aircond not cold enough, aircond too cold, nail polish not dry yet, forgot to take the pill, sleepy, stomach cramps, period, haven't remove make-up, haven't shower, no water supply, going to watch "Santa Barbara", depress, no mood, etc...
NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY MEN WHEN REFUSING
SEX: None. Malaysian men never refuse sex.
NATIONAL CURE FOR HEADACHES: Panadol.
The "cure for all". If it fails we have another secret weapon; Tiger Balm.
NATIONAL CURE FOR DIZZINESS: Minyak Angin Cap Kapak.
NATIONAL CAUSE OF DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES):
Happy Hours.
NATIONAL INSTANT CURE FOR DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES):
The sight of a police road block.
NATIONAL RUBBISH DUMP: Anywhere. As long as it is not your house.
NATIONAL MOST MIS-PRONOUNCED NAME: Carrefour (car-fu).
Sometimes even pronounced as Carry 4! On second thoughts, why bother pronouncing stupid French brands like Peugeot, Renault [or Citroen correctly. I think it sounds better, when the local mechanics say "Pew Jeot". When I was in school, Milo was always 'Mee Lo', now that I'm sophisticated, I say "My Lo". So don't be embarassed saying "Carry 4" when the Mat Sallehs shamelessly pronounce orang utan as "rangutan".
NATIONAL ROADSIDE DISTRACTION: The Bra-less
Tourist. See how heads turn and traffic slows down when a bra-less
Mat Salleh backpacker goes bouncing about on the streets!
NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR BEING LATE: Traffic JAM.
NATIONAL CONDOM: None. Most Malaysians still feel
embarrassed buying condoms. So they rushed into a 7-11,
hurriedly grab the nearest pack, any pack,
pay and leave before the cashier can even blink an eye.
NATIONAL FRUIT FOR INDUCING MENSTRUATION: Pineapple.
NATIONAL APHRODISIAC DRINK: Stout. Many swear by
it. But after a few pints they start swearing at everything...
NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (MEN):
Food Poisoning.
NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (WOMEN): Menstrual Pain.
NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY WOMEN WHEN REFUSING SEX:
Headache, kids not asleep, maid not asleep, mother-in-law around, early appointment, food not digested yet, aircond not cold enough, aircond too cold, nail polish not dry yet, forgot to take the pill, sleepy, stomach cramps, period, haven't remove make-up, haven't shower, no water supply, going to watch "Santa Barbara", depress, no mood, etc...
NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY MEN WHEN REFUSING
SEX: None. Malaysian men never refuse sex.
NATIONAL CURE FOR HEADACHES: Panadol.
The "cure for all". If it fails we have another secret weapon; Tiger Balm.
NATIONAL CURE FOR DIZZINESS: Minyak Angin Cap Kapak.
NATIONAL CAUSE OF DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES):
Happy Hours.
NATIONAL INSTANT CURE FOR DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES):
The sight of a police road block.
NATIONAL RUBBISH DUMP: Anywhere. As long as it is not your house.
NATIONAL MOST MIS-PRONOUNCED NAME: Carrefour (car-fu).
Sometimes even pronounced as Carry 4! On second thoughts, why bother pronouncing stupid French brands like Peugeot, Renault [or Citroen correctly. I think it sounds better, when the local mechanics say "Pew Jeot". When I was in school, Milo was always 'Mee Lo', now that I'm sophisticated, I say "My Lo". So don't be embarassed saying "Carry 4" when the Mat Sallehs shamelessly pronounce orang utan as "rangutan".
NATIONAL ROADSIDE DISTRACTION: The Bra-less
Tourist. See how heads turn and traffic slows down when a bra-less
Mat Salleh backpacker goes bouncing about on the streets!
Saturday, August 13, 2005
New Definitions!
The Oxford Dictionary's latest definitions
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes
of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing
through the minds of either.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but does not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually
and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life,
to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower
says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....
except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections
and your confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills,
and kills you with his bills.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes
of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing
through the minds of either.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but does not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually
and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life,
to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower
says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....
except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections
and your confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills,
and kills you with his bills.
Friday, August 12, 2005
2 things to worry about!
There are only 2 things to worry about:
either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about;
but If you are sick, there are only 2 things to worry about,
whether you will get well or whether you will die.
If you get well, there is nothing to worry about;
but if you die, there are only 2 things to worry about;
whether you go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about,
and if you go to hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands
with old friends, you won't have time to worry,
so why worry???
either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about;
but If you are sick, there are only 2 things to worry about,
whether you will get well or whether you will die.
If you get well, there is nothing to worry about;
but if you die, there are only 2 things to worry about;
whether you go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about,
and if you go to hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands
with old friends, you won't have time to worry,
so why worry???
Thursday, August 11, 2005
!New Zealand HAKA
The following is the official version of the meaning of the chant
used by the NZ All Blacks.
Ka mate, Ka mate! Ka ora, Ka ora!
Ka mate, Ka mate! Ka ora, Ka ora!
Tenei te tangata puhuruhuru
Nana i tiki mai
Whakawhiti te ra!
A hupane, kaupane
A hupane, kaupane whiti te ra!
Hi!
I die, I die! I live, I live!
I die, I die! I live, I live!
This is the hairy man
Who fetches the Sun
And caused it to shine again!
One upward step, another upwards step
And upward step, another the Sun shines!
Hi!
used by the NZ All Blacks.
Ka mate, Ka mate! Ka ora, Ka ora!
Ka mate, Ka mate! Ka ora, Ka ora!
Tenei te tangata puhuruhuru
Nana i tiki mai
Whakawhiti te ra!
A hupane, kaupane
A hupane, kaupane whiti te ra!
Hi!
I die, I die! I live, I live!
I die, I die! I live, I live!
This is the hairy man
Who fetches the Sun
And caused it to shine again!
One upward step, another upwards step
And upward step, another the Sun shines!
Hi!
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Saturday, August 06, 2005
A Can of Worms!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container
of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container
of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container
of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon,
the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation
- What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Don't you just love little old ladies????
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container
of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container
of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container
of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon,
the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation
- What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Don't you just love little old ladies????
Be like the Candle......
Light up your Life!!!!!!!!
BE NICE TO OTHERS IN THE SAME WAY,
AS YOU WANT OTHERS TO BE NICE WITH YOU.
LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE.
SO, THINK GOOD AND SAY BETTER
AND TRY TO DO THE BEST
THEN THIS WORLD WILL BE MORE BEAUTIFUL TO YOU.
WHEN MONEY IS LOST NOTHING IS LOST
WHEN HEALTH IS LOST SOMETHING IS LOST
WHEN CHARACTER IS LOST EVERYTHING IS LOST
LIVE LIKE A CANDLE,
WHICH BURNS ITSELF BUT GIVES LIGHT TO OTHERS.
IMPOSE YOUR OWN TERMS UPON LIFE
IF YOU DON'T YOU WILL HAVE TO ACCEPT
THE TERMS OF OTHERS.
LOOK BACKWARDS WITH GRATITUDE,
UPWARDS WITH CONFIDENCE
AND FORWARDS WITH HOPE.
WHEN YOU TRUELY CARE FOR SOMEONE
YOU DON'T LOOK FOR FAULTS,
YOU DON'T LOOK FOR ANSWERS,
YOU DON'T LOOK FOR MISTAKES,
INSTEAD YOU FIGHT THE MISTAKES,
YOU ACCEPT THE FAULTS,
AND YOU OVERLOOK THE EXCUSES.
BE NICE TO OTHERS IN THE SAME WAY,
AS YOU WANT OTHERS TO BE NICE WITH YOU.
LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE.
SO, THINK GOOD AND SAY BETTER
AND TRY TO DO THE BEST
THEN THIS WORLD WILL BE MORE BEAUTIFUL TO YOU.
WHEN MONEY IS LOST NOTHING IS LOST
WHEN HEALTH IS LOST SOMETHING IS LOST
WHEN CHARACTER IS LOST EVERYTHING IS LOST
LIVE LIKE A CANDLE,
WHICH BURNS ITSELF BUT GIVES LIGHT TO OTHERS.
IMPOSE YOUR OWN TERMS UPON LIFE
IF YOU DON'T YOU WILL HAVE TO ACCEPT
THE TERMS OF OTHERS.
LOOK BACKWARDS WITH GRATITUDE,
UPWARDS WITH CONFIDENCE
AND FORWARDS WITH HOPE.
WHEN YOU TRUELY CARE FOR SOMEONE
YOU DON'T LOOK FOR FAULTS,
YOU DON'T LOOK FOR ANSWERS,
YOU DON'T LOOK FOR MISTAKES,
INSTEAD YOU FIGHT THE MISTAKES,
YOU ACCEPT THE FAULTS,
AND YOU OVERLOOK THE EXCUSES.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
You Are So Blessed!!!
YOU ARE SO BLESSED!
If you woke up this morning
with more health than illness,
you are more blessed than the
million who won't survive the week.
If you have never experienced
the danger of battle,
the loneliness of imprisonment,
the agony of torture or
the pangs of starvation,
you are ahead of 20 million people
around the world.
If you attend a church meeting
without fear of harassment,
arrest, torture, or death,
you are more blessed than almost
three billion people in the world.
If you have food in your refrigerator,
clothes on your back,a roof over
your head and a place to sleep,
you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank,
in your wallet, and spare change
in a dish someplace, you are among
the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If your parents are still married and alive,
you are very rare,
especially in the United States.
If you hold up your head with a smile
on your face and are truly thankful,
you are blessed because the majority can,
but most do not.
If you can hold someone's hand, hug them
or even touch them on the shoulder,
you are blessed because you can
offer God's healing touch.
If you can read this message,
you are more blessed than over
two billion people in the world
that cannot read anything at all.
You are so blessed in ways
you may never even know.
BLESSINGS TO YOU!
If you woke up this morning
with more health than illness,
you are more blessed than the
million who won't survive the week.
If you have never experienced
the danger of battle,
the loneliness of imprisonment,
the agony of torture or
the pangs of starvation,
you are ahead of 20 million people
around the world.
If you attend a church meeting
without fear of harassment,
arrest, torture, or death,
you are more blessed than almost
three billion people in the world.
If you have food in your refrigerator,
clothes on your back,a roof over
your head and a place to sleep,
you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank,
in your wallet, and spare change
in a dish someplace, you are among
the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If your parents are still married and alive,
you are very rare,
especially in the United States.
If you hold up your head with a smile
on your face and are truly thankful,
you are blessed because the majority can,
but most do not.
If you can hold someone's hand, hug them
or even touch them on the shoulder,
you are blessed because you can
offer God's healing touch.
If you can read this message,
you are more blessed than over
two billion people in the world
that cannot read anything at all.
You are so blessed in ways
you may never even know.
BLESSINGS TO YOU!
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Men strike back!
The time has finally come...
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them
to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up
the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Boy ain't this the truth!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them
to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up
the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Boy ain't this the truth!
Monday, August 01, 2005
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)