20 tips for the New Year

20 tips for the New Year

1* DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favouritetuneand hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

2* CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.

3* RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

4* DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

5* WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

6* MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and postittoyourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

7* EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
8* ALCOHOL: Makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

9* MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

10* GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending $50 to yourself by NZ Post.

11* BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

12* DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

13* PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In themorning, simply move it all back again.

14* CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

15* DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help'; simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

16* MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilstdriving.Simply pop you're mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

17* SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside a supermarket with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

18* BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

19* ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

20* McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so theyblend inwith the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.