How to Save Your Job?
Friday, August 12, 2005
2 things to worry about!
There are only 2 things to worry about:
either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about;
but If you are sick, there are only 2 things to worry about,
whether you will get well or whether you will die.
If you get well, there is nothing to worry about;
but if you die, there are only 2 things to worry about;
whether you go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about,
and if you go to hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands
with old friends, you won't have time to worry,
so why worry???
either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about;
but If you are sick, there are only 2 things to worry about,
whether you will get well or whether you will die.
If you get well, there is nothing to worry about;
but if you die, there are only 2 things to worry about;
whether you go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about,
and if you go to hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands
with old friends, you won't have time to worry,
so why worry???
Thursday, August 11, 2005
!New Zealand HAKA
The following is the official version of the meaning of the chant
used by the NZ All Blacks.
Ka mate, Ka mate! Ka ora, Ka ora!
Ka mate, Ka mate! Ka ora, Ka ora!
Tenei te tangata puhuruhuru
Nana i tiki mai
Whakawhiti te ra!
A hupane, kaupane
A hupane, kaupane whiti te ra!
Hi!
I die, I die! I live, I live!
I die, I die! I live, I live!
This is the hairy man
Who fetches the Sun
And caused it to shine again!
One upward step, another upwards step
And upward step, another the Sun shines!
Hi!
used by the NZ All Blacks.
Ka mate, Ka mate! Ka ora, Ka ora!
Ka mate, Ka mate! Ka ora, Ka ora!
Tenei te tangata puhuruhuru
Nana i tiki mai
Whakawhiti te ra!
A hupane, kaupane
A hupane, kaupane whiti te ra!
Hi!
I die, I die! I live, I live!
I die, I die! I live, I live!
This is the hairy man
Who fetches the Sun
And caused it to shine again!
One upward step, another upwards step
And upward step, another the Sun shines!
Hi!
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Saturday, August 06, 2005
A Can of Worms!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container
of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container
of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container
of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon,
the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation
- What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Don't you just love little old ladies????
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container
of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container
of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container
of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon,
the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation
- What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Don't you just love little old ladies????
Be like the Candle......
Light up your Life!!!!!!!!
BE NICE TO OTHERS IN THE SAME WAY,
AS YOU WANT OTHERS TO BE NICE WITH YOU.
LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE.
SO, THINK GOOD AND SAY BETTER
AND TRY TO DO THE BEST
THEN THIS WORLD WILL BE MORE BEAUTIFUL TO YOU.
WHEN MONEY IS LOST NOTHING IS LOST
WHEN HEALTH IS LOST SOMETHING IS LOST
WHEN CHARACTER IS LOST EVERYTHING IS LOST
LIVE LIKE A CANDLE,
WHICH BURNS ITSELF BUT GIVES LIGHT TO OTHERS.
IMPOSE YOUR OWN TERMS UPON LIFE
IF YOU DON'T YOU WILL HAVE TO ACCEPT
THE TERMS OF OTHERS.
LOOK BACKWARDS WITH GRATITUDE,
UPWARDS WITH CONFIDENCE
AND FORWARDS WITH HOPE.
WHEN YOU TRUELY CARE FOR SOMEONE
YOU DON'T LOOK FOR FAULTS,
YOU DON'T LOOK FOR ANSWERS,
YOU DON'T LOOK FOR MISTAKES,
INSTEAD YOU FIGHT THE MISTAKES,
YOU ACCEPT THE FAULTS,
AND YOU OVERLOOK THE EXCUSES.
BE NICE TO OTHERS IN THE SAME WAY,
AS YOU WANT OTHERS TO BE NICE WITH YOU.
LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE.
SO, THINK GOOD AND SAY BETTER
AND TRY TO DO THE BEST
THEN THIS WORLD WILL BE MORE BEAUTIFUL TO YOU.
WHEN MONEY IS LOST NOTHING IS LOST
WHEN HEALTH IS LOST SOMETHING IS LOST
WHEN CHARACTER IS LOST EVERYTHING IS LOST
LIVE LIKE A CANDLE,
WHICH BURNS ITSELF BUT GIVES LIGHT TO OTHERS.
IMPOSE YOUR OWN TERMS UPON LIFE
IF YOU DON'T YOU WILL HAVE TO ACCEPT
THE TERMS OF OTHERS.
LOOK BACKWARDS WITH GRATITUDE,
UPWARDS WITH CONFIDENCE
AND FORWARDS WITH HOPE.
WHEN YOU TRUELY CARE FOR SOMEONE
YOU DON'T LOOK FOR FAULTS,
YOU DON'T LOOK FOR ANSWERS,
YOU DON'T LOOK FOR MISTAKES,
INSTEAD YOU FIGHT THE MISTAKES,
YOU ACCEPT THE FAULTS,
AND YOU OVERLOOK THE EXCUSES.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
You Are So Blessed!!!
YOU ARE SO BLESSED!
If you woke up this morning
with more health than illness,
you are more blessed than the
million who won't survive the week.
If you have never experienced
the danger of battle,
the loneliness of imprisonment,
the agony of torture or
the pangs of starvation,
you are ahead of 20 million people
around the world.
If you attend a church meeting
without fear of harassment,
arrest, torture, or death,
you are more blessed than almost
three billion people in the world.
If you have food in your refrigerator,
clothes on your back,a roof over
your head and a place to sleep,
you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank,
in your wallet, and spare change
in a dish someplace, you are among
the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If your parents are still married and alive,
you are very rare,
especially in the United States.
If you hold up your head with a smile
on your face and are truly thankful,
you are blessed because the majority can,
but most do not.
If you can hold someone's hand, hug them
or even touch them on the shoulder,
you are blessed because you can
offer God's healing touch.
If you can read this message,
you are more blessed than over
two billion people in the world
that cannot read anything at all.
You are so blessed in ways
you may never even know.
BLESSINGS TO YOU!
If you woke up this morning
with more health than illness,
you are more blessed than the
million who won't survive the week.
If you have never experienced
the danger of battle,
the loneliness of imprisonment,
the agony of torture or
the pangs of starvation,
you are ahead of 20 million people
around the world.
If you attend a church meeting
without fear of harassment,
arrest, torture, or death,
you are more blessed than almost
three billion people in the world.
If you have food in your refrigerator,
clothes on your back,a roof over
your head and a place to sleep,
you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank,
in your wallet, and spare change
in a dish someplace, you are among
the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If your parents are still married and alive,
you are very rare,
especially in the United States.
If you hold up your head with a smile
on your face and are truly thankful,
you are blessed because the majority can,
but most do not.
If you can hold someone's hand, hug them
or even touch them on the shoulder,
you are blessed because you can
offer God's healing touch.
If you can read this message,
you are more blessed than over
two billion people in the world
that cannot read anything at all.
You are so blessed in ways
you may never even know.
BLESSINGS TO YOU!
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Men strike back!
The time has finally come...
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them
to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up
the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Boy ain't this the truth!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them
to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up
the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Boy ain't this the truth!
Monday, August 01, 2005
Monday, July 25, 2005
Marriage!
Married life is full of excitement and frustration.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends.
You order what you want,
and when you see what the other fellow has,
you wish you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal,
but some of them get married!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church
and found himself married.
A year later he muttered something in his sleep
and found himself divorced.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking;
the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China,
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends.
You order what you want,
and when you see what the other fellow has,
you wish you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal,
but some of them get married!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church
and found himself married.
A year later he muttered something in his sleep
and found himself divorced.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking;
the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China,
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Some Laws
Here are a few very important laws that one should be aware of:
Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number,
you never get an engaged one.
Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
the next morning you will have a flat tire.
O'Brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bell's Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Willoughby's Law:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work,
it will.
Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Breda's Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Owen's Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Howden's Law:
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox
Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number,
you never get an engaged one.
Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
the next morning you will have a flat tire.
O'Brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bell's Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Willoughby's Law:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work,
it will.
Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Breda's Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Owen's Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Howden's Law:
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox
Men are like....!!
Men are like....
1. Men are like Laxatives ... They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
1. Men are like Laxatives ... They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
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